SEE NOT JUST THE TIP OF AN ICEBERG... @ coppersulphate.blogspot

Is that how it feels?

2012-01-15T12:45:00.002+08:00

I can't believe I am blogging on the eve of what's to be the second week of school.

But I just can't comprehend what's bubbling inside me now.

Why are things always so complicated? Is that how it feels, to have lost when you didn't even own anything in the first place?

I guess that is the pain that is more difficult to endure than when you've loved and lost.

So many things, so much words, unspoken.

Yet, we're all struggling because we all know they are true, working tirelessly like clockwork behind the veil.

2011... My adult world.

2011-12-31T00:52:00.000+08:00

It's since become a tradition for me to sit on my desk to type the last post of the year. I started this blog when I was 15, and now i'm 21. Time sure flies. When I was 15, I would be on msn and everyone will be wishing each other Happy New Year, and I would be chatting with people while blogging at the same time. Now, 7 years later, I am no longer on msn, and while most of my friends are downtown at some party waiting to count down to the new year, the same old brand new me is still sitting here preparing to blog the year away...

Time flies. Some things change. Some don't.

Well, 2011 has been such a year. Within this one year i've lived halfway around the globe, met many people, and did many things I didn't think I would ever get to do. When I came back to what I call my home country, many thing has changed as well. And all these made me change. . .

SEP

Oh wow. It is still difficult for me to imagine its already half a year since i've been back. I guess surreal is the word to describe my SEP experience. Three years ago, when I was 18 I went on a school trip without my parents to a foreign land. Never can I image that three years later, when I am 21 I would trod the streets of London alone, with such solitude and confidence and exhilaration. Living away from home was tough. But most of the times it's not being homesick. It's having things that you took for granted being taken away from you, and you don't know just so how important these things are until you lost them. Your freedom to make small decisions. Your loved ones. Being the majority race in your country. Living in a country you have citizenship rights.

I've always seen pictures and postcards. And I thought places only look good in postcards. This year I had the opportunity to see for myself that these places do exist in real-life... not just in pictures. Sometimes when I am walking the streets or sitting in a cafe in Rome, London, Amsterdam, Hamburg, or Athens... I was even afraid that I am dreaming, and sometimes I even asked myself if I deserved all these at all.

During exchange I discovered more about myself. I discovered more about my friends. And I even got to meet new friends...and friends I thought I would never meet again.

During exchange I have a fresh perspective on what is Home. The UK will always have a special place in my heart.

TEACHING ATTACHMENT

I am deliberating on whether to include this. Nothing fantastic happened to me, except that I met four very awesome people and am glad to share my experience with them. Here's to eunice, aloy, yinxi and haur sheng =) (except they wont ever read this)

CINNAMON COLLEGE

Life came and past in a whirl after exchange. I moved into Utown and experienced what it is like to live on campus in singapore for the first time. No en-suite toilets, no toilet papers, noises, but I could pad downstairs ten minutes before my lessons. The rent is expensive. The food is expensive. Sometimes the food is boring. But I could sit there to people-watch. I could sit there talking to strangers (some of whom became my friends) from different faculties, and even different continents. I could sit there talking to an artist. Or my professor. It was refreshing.

It has been a trying semester, but I survived. And I've learnt that I should count my blessings.

FRIENDS

2011, I'm an adult. And in this adult world I learnt that the human condition is quite scary. Things change, people change. But I'm glad that there are still people I could count on. And I appreciate and love them for that.

GOALS for 2012

1. Be healthy, so that I can live life to the fullest.
2. Be the best and give 100% in whatever I do, and at the same time, be grateful for whatever I have.
3. Be fit, Slim down and be beautiful.
4. Learn and gain as much knowledge as I can, and have the guts to do so.
5. Be a sincere, honest, responsible individual, and to bring joy to those who are around me.

I need closure, hence this post

2011-12-28T23:58:00.001+08:00

Ok, this is actually NOT my post to close this blog. But a post I feel i need to type out to clear my mind of a particular issue that has been bothering me for quite awhile ...

Thing is, I've never been hurt so deeply by a person in my whole life before. And that is considering i've been through quite alot as a person in life.

Since I was in secondary school, I told myself not to trust people too much. Although I've got many friends around me, I dont normally reveal much about myself to them.

That was until I met you. You were one of the few people who knew so much about me. Someone I trusted. Someone I clicked really well with. Someone I really, really cared for and regarded as my good friend.

I knew you cared about me. Note the tense, because I am not too sure now. I still get chills whenever I recall your reactions. Your nonchalance. Your disregards.

IN MY FACE.

Do you know, it really seemed as if my heart was jabbed by a knife. A sharp, pointy, glittery knife slicing through me and then being pulled out. Family matters aside, none of my friends made me feel this way before. And that was when I realised just how much our friendships meant.

For a period of time I was self-reproaching and near self-loathing. Because I cannot believe that this is how drastic you've changed. So, if you are not the one who changed, then it is me. I must be a really evil person. I am a bad friend. I am not worthy at all.

And so I thought and thought.

And then I realised that, what drove me to make the call that night, was not a self-righteous act. It was that I truly cared and value our friendship more than anything else. And hence when nobody dared to do anything I thought I will do. I thought the foundations of our friendship was so strong that you would understand my goodwill.

But I was clearly wrong.

But reflecting back, if i've known the consequences, will i still do what i did? My answer is yes. Simply because I know that is what a friend should do. A real friend. A friend who cannot stand any injustice.

And then it started.

For more than three months I was so upset, I daresay it even affected my work. Maybe its just me, i'm just too weak a person to deal with just a broken friendship.

You were once someone so dear to me. Now you're a stranger.

And sometime, not too long ago, after I thought i've learnt to let go, I finally broke down a week before exams. In front of my mother (bless her). I was still hurt.

But I promised that that will be the last time I shed tears for you. Because I have to move on with life, to gain back the confidence, and to be the person I always am.

Because if you don't need me, then other people still do. . . I know I need myself.

The old, bubbly self.

People say that Time can change things, but I cannot change time.

I will let go slowly, but surely. I know I sound like some pathetic sod here, but if there's anything this long blogpost proves, it proves that that friendship was really one that I valued.

I know that I'm stronger than I think.... =)

For the people who've been affected by the moody clara in one way or another - be it you're an old friend of mine, an acquaintance, new friend, or even teacher- I promise that you will get to see the good old awesome clara soon ..

=)

2011-12-18T22:43:00.001+08:00

i think the worst thing that can happen,

is that you have so much you need to tell

but you cant

and you cant

if i die young

2011-12-18T22:41:00.000+08:00

but i dont want to.

stop it, just stop.

Are you okay up there?

2011-12-06T22:43:00.002+08:00

If i take away my intelligence, what would be left?

because i never wanted to feel stupid

to feel incompetent.

No, you will never understand.

I was given nothing, barely anything, and i thought being smart and clever was the answer.

But what would be left, really, if my intelligence is taken away?

I can see it fading, slowly.

And that day might come.

It all seemed that it's part of a movie, a show, a novel. whichever you call it.

But it might come.

What if my own mind cannot discern anymore? What if it does not probe anymore? what if it is incapable anymore?

Does it make me incapable too?

Am I a lesser person?

IF you take away my mind, what will be left?

kindness, compassion, and what? Will i be capable of loving anymore?

If you read this in the future,

I want you to know

You are more than what you think you are.

All that taken away,

you still have nearly a pure soul.

what if i walk on and on without stopping

2011-09-02T22:16:00.003+08:00

without turning, just walking in a straight line.

where will i end up?

Today I realised that I got nothing to live for.

I am not even sure why the hell i am working to hard.

Maybe this place is just not suitable for me anymore.

One day I will move to a place.

And be alone.

with nobody to account for.

Just myself

Sometimesiwishicouldcurlupanddie

its been awhile since i've said these sort of things.

happyontheoutsidesadandbrokenontheinside

Another post

2011-07-28T23:45:00.001+08:00

Trip to the Netherlands post updated here:

http://geogravist.blogspot.com/2011/07/trip-to-netherlands.html

Athens Thoughts (on a Sunday)

2011-07-17T07:16:00.000+08:00

Written at Athens Backpackers' Cafeteria.

- It's ten minutes to six, and I am having the whole lounge to myself. Sitting beside the window with soft music playing in the backgroud, sipping a cuppa and watching the wold (???) passing me by (or rather flies buzzing by).

- To me this is what a holiday should be. Sitting, people-watching, reading, pondering. Of course I can visit the monuments/major attractions- but only when I want to.

-Am I a selfish person? I hate it when I see peddlers desperately calling out for tourists, I hate it when I see buskers performing and people are nonchalantly watching them. I hate it when shopkeepers smile at you, offering their goods. Most of all, I hate it when I can't seem to help them. Or Should I? Are they richer or am I poorer?

- Who am I? Am I a leader in other's eyes? Am I my own leader? Am I a selfish person? Do I talk too much? Huffing and Puffing up, life is like climbing a steep slope. Sweat is trickling down. Are you okay? You smile at me and asked if I am alright.

- You winked at each other. I don't know anymore. I keep finding out about myself, but the more I looked at the mirror, the more the stranger stared back at me.

- Athena, Poseidon, Zeus, Acropolis, Olympus. The monastery, roads long and winding. Seagulls ad steep scarp. Islands, war and glory. Monks and heaven. Knowledge. Lost.

- We fight. Some died. Some are already dead. Sunglasses, Bikinis, Sunhats. Begging, shouting, busking. Battles. Why do we fight? why are you taller? Under the powdered, rouge features, are we not the same?

Today my heart bleeds a little.

2011-07-16T11:39:00.002+08:00

I am back in Singapore, after five whole months overseas. If you've read my exchange blogsposts at the other blog, you would've gotten some updates from there.

This blog is like, dead or something, look at the tagboard, its spammed by some indon hackers wth? I should delete the tagboard. Or i should re-do my blog template and give it a new look.

Anyway I went to tampines for the first time ever since i came back. Stepped into Newlook and topshop just to see if i've established a sense of place there. The clothes are of exorbitant prices. I walked out feeling pissed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It always seem like I'm only writing here cos I'm feeling blue.

I would sit on the top deck of the train again, looking out

Vast, flat plains.

Rain against the window

Chills.

And the cold, cold beer

My heart cries a little, but only for today.

One more, and this is the last

They will be etched in my heart, but I will be walking

with a far, far lonely heart.

New post up!

2011-05-14T07:51:00.002+08:00

Hello, i wonder who comes here anymore, but i can't bear to leave this space of mine =)

New post up over at http://geogravist.blogspot.com/2011/05/hamburg-trip.html with loads of pictures!

But sorry, no faces of me because i still can't decide which direction that blog is going, so im keeping it face-less for the moment!

Till then, tata, i've got an exam on the 25th may and flying back to sg on 21st june. GASP.

Define your own SEP experience

2011-02-20T23:28:00.001+08:00

new SEP blog post up!

http://geogravist.blogspot.com/2011/02/define-your-own-sep-experience.html

Walking Spaces: Twelfth days

2011-02-07T02:22:00.001+08:00

as blogged on www.geogravist.blogspot.com (click link)

Walking Spaces: Twelfth days: "Hello all! For those who've been anticipating my blog posts, i apologise for not updating it for almost a month (im more active on facebook..."

Rain-splattered Glass

2011-01-10T22:39:00.004+08:00

I like to watch the rain

through rain-splattered glass.

Tonight i feel a little blue

through the rain-splattered glass.

I try not to think of you

through the tempest-torn glass.

"Hold my hand"... some thoughts

2011-01-02T23:29:00.004+08:00

Just listened to "hold my hands" by MJ and Akon... besides feeling a tad weird that I'm listening to a dead man's "new" song... I also realised that i felt weird partly because the song sounds abit... "un-MJ-ish" to me.

Then i started asking myself, what's considered as "MJ-ish"? Well, I'm no MJ fan but he's such a ledgend and churned out so many hits that one couldnt miss his song if a piece is being played on radio. To be fair I think MJ has his own signature on almost every hit piece of his.

So i was rather surprise to find myself saying that "Hold My Hand" is abit ... More of Akon and Less of MJ... when i probed further into my own reactions... I found out that part of why I felt like this on my first listen is that the song is a little to "Hip-Hop/R&B" (ok, i know i should be more careful on this cos i aint no HH or R&B pro)... it sounded too... Contemporary African-American to me.

It was after awhile that I realised that MJ is African American himself.

Weird much? It seems that after-all, his attempts to "whiten" himself is successful on some levels. Of course, much of it has gotta do with the whole marketing and packaging of himself and his works... but it shocks me quite abit to realise what my own reactions to the songs (might/can) mean...

Just some of my food for thoughts..

2010: The Year Through Different Lenses

2010-12-31T22:44:00.002+08:00

Ever since I started this blog back in 2005, it's been a tradition that on the eve of each new year, I will do some sort of a "reflection post".

Reading my past entries and looking back ... I'm always amused by how far I've arrived at where I am at my current standing, against all trials, tribulations... prodded and pushed by friendships, love, goals, hope...

And so, this year, I am going to reflect on various aspects of my personal life (hence looking at my life through different lenses), so that when I look at this entry in the future, I can grow (not horizontally though).

School

Brainiactic

Some people might be laughing at me right now. Why does the category of "school" have to be the first thing I am going to reflect about? Heck... why is "School" even a category itself? While some of my friends are already out in the working world earning money, while some are partying, while some are studying in a relaxed mood (huh how do they even do that)... During most of 2010 i've been scuttling around being so stressed-up about my modules and whether I am able to handle them.

This year, I've started taking USP modules for the first time. In year 1 sem 2, i took my writing mod under USP, which really stretched me and provided me with the essential tools to think and write properly. (although i'm not sure whether the term "think" properly is even correct. Well, think critically then). Another course which provided me with the basic "tools" for writing academic papers and doing research is GE2225... which i met a really good lecturer and two very very good friends (ok lah, Nadine and Nisha). That semester, i also took Population Analysis, Tourism, as well as an intro to film module. I've learnt alot from all these modules... my experience with most of the modules were good, while some are not-so-good. Nonetheless, I've grown and gleaned some very important insights.

The first semester of my second year was also an extremely trying one. I had to take two usp modules which I had no inclination to take. One of them is nature's thread (which i miraculously got a b+, I dont know why), and another, Historicizing the Black Pacific. Both modules were extremely scary, and has posed many traumatizing moments to my university life. I'm not sure whether its fate or what... but I'm really glad I ended up doing black pac... It's one of the most rigorous course which really pushed my limits. If not for the lecturer, I would not have so much confidence to churn out the type of writings i've submitted at the end of the course. I'm also really glad that the lecturer is so flexible to allow me to use geography as an extra lens to interrogate what I'm studying, although the discipline is not one of the stipulated strands in the course. Also, for geography, all the courses (Cities, Social life, and politics) have miraculously complemented one another (as well as black pac)... All the profs for this semester was fantastic.

Thinking back, I guess I've really grown alot intellectually over the year. I'm really grateful for all the awesome lecturers i met, especially the almighty prof G, Dr J, Prof R, Dr P, Prof S, Dr C, Simon... etc etc

Personal Growth

Toastmasters (although this is part of "school" as well)

As of today I've completed a total of 5 projects this year, participated in table topics, evaluated a project, and did many Toastmaster of the Evening / hosting etc, and won many ribbons. I'm glad that I was given many opportunities to get up to the stage so that I can be a better speaker each time. Many a times, meeting roles were just thrown to me... and im happy that i dealt with them to my best ability (although some of them were not the best that i wanted myself to be). I've met many fantastic people in the club as well...

Re-connect

Well, lets just say facebook is really an awesome social networking site. It can be a bane or a boon. But personally, it allows me to connect with people that I would not otherwise be in-touch with.

Honesty

2010 is a year I took one big step to be honest about myself, and my life. I became more confident because I accepted who I am.

Relationships

As I grow older, I am unsure if I have more or less friends around me. Sure, groups of friends increases, but which are REAL friends I can really relate to and keep in touch? My mother likes to tell me I've got far too many friends for my own good. If this is true, why do I feel lonely sometimes? Nontheless, no man is an island, and i know i'm blessed because:

Of the Team, The three Gays, My Secondary school friends, Friends from Ak, And friends I can't file under any categories.

Goals for 2011

1. Lose 5 kgs

2. To be a more compassionate, honest, independent individual

3. Up my CAP

4. Be a better friend and daughter

5. Be an awesome speaker

Pssssssssst: Exchange blog

2010-12-30T02:00:00.002+08:00

This is another blog i've set up for my exchange:

ps its a more "public" blog. So don't mention the existence of THIS blog over there. Thanks.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=490830093748&set=a.490814228748.271095.539233748&notif_t=photo_comment

sometimes its hard to believe, in a truth we cant even see...

2010-12-30T01:29:00.002+08:00

YOU.

yes, I'm talking to you, the one staring.

The one pretending not to look.

The one ignoring.

The one who would steal a glance sometimes.

The one keeping Quiet.

Giving up is not me.

Not taking action is not my style

but i guess i would have to do it..

As i went through the pictures... I realised that it was the old you i liked... not the current one.

It's all in the mind, isnt it?

Well, goodbye then...

Names

2010-12-13T13:44:00.002+08:00

Just a few things i've realised about the names people call me:

1. Clara: well this IS my name so most people will call me 'Clara' on most circumstances. From teachers to professors to primary school mates to secondary school mates to uni friends to ex-colleagues. But i guess "clara" is only for people who tend to be more or less familiar basis. ... becuase ..

2. Claire: well, amazingly, at first i thought only very very good friends call me 'claire'. But after a long time observing, people who calls me 'claire' are only Seemingly close to me. In fact, most people who calls me 'claire' decided to call me that barely 5 minutes into our friendship. weird.

3. Ang: I dont even know how this came about. Ok fine, i know its my surname. . . my secondary school buds started calling me 'Ang' after about sec 3. And only my best buds call me that. Then when i'm in jc and uni i've realised a pattern: only really good friends call me 'Ang' (and they seem to do it on reflex???). Weird also.

4. Cong Ping: Well, besides some relatives and erm, chinese teachers, only my really, really , really good friends dare to call me 'Cong Ping' (on various occasions). And heck, i didnt mind at all. Unless its some weirdo i've just met who told me "well clara is not really your name, isznt it, cong ping?" Like wth, as if you've got the power to choose what my identity is/should be ?

5. Mushroom: ok, only people who calls me mushroom know who calls me mushroom.

Something about us

2010-12-11T12:29:00.002+08:00

Stop the music, play the song
We'll dance together all night long
The spotlight glows, somehow it knows,
That there's something about us
Something about us

People smile when they walk by
There's too much magic to deny
A fool can see we're meant to be
'cause there's something about us,
something about us

The words on every poet's tongue
Every love song ever sung
about us, it's about us
From Romeo and Juliet,
to plays they haven't written yet
It's old and new, it's a classic tale of two
of our perfectly perfect love

You can see it in our ways
in how we spend our nights and days
A crazy laugh, a photograph
There's just something about
something about us

If you find that this song relates to you for more than two years, something is very wrong.

Thai Films and (Clay Aiken?)

2010-12-11T11:57:00.003+08:00

We went to watch this Thai film, "Hello stranger" yesterday at NEX the new shopping Mall at Serangoon. Much as I am ok with the retail mix there (ok to be frank, its VERY GOOD for a neighbourhood mall. I mean come one, which shopping mall can be worse than compass point?!)I HATED the CROWD! If not for the free movie I wouldnt have gone there.

Anyways, yes, Hello Stranger! A feel-good kind of comedy/chick flick where you would definitely want to cuddle up with your gf/bf on a cold rainy evening to watch. A couple of scenes left me laughing like mad. Here's the trailer :

As i was youtubing the trailer I realised that the whole freaking movie has been uploaded on youtube?!!!! But its without subtitles, so... =S

Speaking about Thai Films, I watched "Love of Siam" (the whole thing is on youtube). Which is definitely much, much better/more emo/ more engaging/ deeper etc etc than Hello Stranger. Its one of this bittersweet movie which left me crying / laughing / laugh AND cry throughout the whole film. The plot is well-written, and the cinematoraphy is good. (ok and the lead actors are cute). Here's part 1 of the film:

Another film which i thought will be nice to check out is "Citizen Dog". Super funneh!!! (and meaningful as well, if you want to use your erm, Geographical lenses to interrogate. i said "IF" cos if you know nuts, you can still enjoy the film very much and laugh at all the idiotic stuff the characters did) :

Since i'm in the mood of embedding videos, here's one to answer what people has been asking me, like "wth? you STILL like clay aiken?", or "what did you see in clay aiken?!" or "He's so gay!!!" If you care enough to find out why claymates are the most loyal around, check this interview out:

We are growing up

2010-12-08T00:52:00.005+08:00

When I was in primary six... i was introduced to the word "stead" for the first time.... then i watched in wonder how little classroom crushes suddenly became serious matters as some of my classmates held their little hands, or buying mars bars from the vending machine at my block to profess their love... I guess thats part of growing up.

Then i got to secondary school where i see some of my classmates smoking, making out in class, getting hitched on the second day of school during orientation camp, rooster-dating each other... Yes i guess i was growing up...

Then in upper sec i listened in bewilderment rumours surrounding this girl losing her virginity, i listened part in awe and part in shocked that my schoolmates are gays .... I had no idea, but that was part of the deal being baptised into this adult world...

In junior college and university, i see my friends starting to get into really serious relationships, meeting the parents of their boyfriends/girlfriends, staying over at their gf/bf places, getting married, and even having kids... I asked myself... am I REALLY growing old?

In my mind 20 is just a number, 21 is just a figure... while i've been thinking about my future, most of the time i've been assuming that i'm still young, there's no need to rush.

Is there?

Note: i've got nothing against gays now. Just that i was brought up thinking that homosexuality is abnormal. Now i ask "what is normal"?

Lessons from HIMYM

2010-12-05T22:00:00.001+08:00

lesson 1 from how i met your mother : season 2, last episode (when ted and robin broke up):

It doesnt matter if you are still in love with each other, or that you are best friends. . .
He will not be the one to spend the rest of your life with, as long as your values are not in-line with each other.

I'm back, alive, and kickin, so dont worry....

2010-12-04T00:14:00.003+08:00

hey here's just a shot post. I have no idea why i am so busy with life. Maybe its a good thing. I might be setting up another blog for my exchange, just to share with family members and friends how im doing over there, but most importantly i will record down all the challenges ive faced with respect to the applications, as well as travelling tips... so hopefully the new blog will help many others who will be embarking on exchange ... cos i know the system is @^*%(%*$*$.... just hoping to do my little part to challenge the system and help people along.. cos i'm grateful for the people who've been providing assistance to me along the way...

Anyway, im pretty stressed up about my mods mapping, cos of university stupid programme as well. In my attempt to map my CBM,

God: *looks at proposal* geez, what an interesting module.

C: yes and challenging too, im worried about the vacancies.

G:teaching there? good luck HOR (whoa, God use singlish, means this is serious)

G: but It looks useful for your career.

C: yes indeed.

G: well at least I think soton dont really use guns.

c: WHAT?!!!

Welcome to the most freaky sem so far

2010-09-19T21:27:00.001+08:00

1. you said you will be here when i need it. But u didnt.

2. When i said ''i didnt run for it" God said "its ok".

3. I want to cry in physics class everytime. It's THAT bad.

4. I feel like @#@#$E@$@@#

5. OMG. the earth is a scary place.

6. Everything must be pink.

7. I still love clay aiken.

Uncertainty

2010-08-22T14:54:00.002+08:00

Where to?

I really hate it when things are uncertain.

I would like to think that i've got the power, the power to choose where i want to go next or at least be sure which direction i'm travelling towards...

But i can't now. And i hate it.

"Departing is my arriving; wandering is my residence."

Why do i feel like some lost sailor during a tempest now?

When you're looking forward to something, and its taken away. But your path is still blocked so you dont even know whats there for you.

And now, you're trapped in a whirlpool unable to get out because of your previous assumption, because you focused too much on the mirage. ..

Of camps and camaraderie

2010-08-01T23:21:00.002+08:00

I realised that, my heart sinks a lil bit whenever i see camp photos being uploaded on facebook.

Why? you ask.

Because since 2003, ive been involved in freshman orientation camps (save 2004), either as a participant or as an OGL.

I dont know why im not getting myself involved in any freshmen camp this year, and i don't know how to feel.

Gah.

How I Dream About Clay Aiken

2010-08-01T01:26:00.002+08:00

You know, there's this type of dream where you've always wanted to have in your sleep, but its so beautiful that, most of the time you just don't get those types of dreams?

Like living in a big house, having loads of money, driving a darn hip car, getting fantabulous grades, marrying whoever you want to marry...

Or in my case, meeting my idol.

In all my six years of oogling at clay... I only dreamt of him TWICE. (yes i remember, dont ask why?)

The second time was last night. (or the night before, considering that its about 2am now)

But the beautiful dream was spoilt by two disgusting dudes.

This is how the dream went:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

---Dream opens with Wilson waving CD sleeve of Clay, and Hanlim showing his bird face---

CUT

I was screaming, but i didnt know what's happening. The crowd was crazy. I said something to the two dudes. I was feeling all high and excited.

CUT

I was feeling nervous. But still euphoric. AND... yeah excited.

CUT

Suddenly i was in front of clay. I said something to clay. He smiled at me and signed the CD.

CUT

I was supposed to leave after Clay was done signing. But clearly i didnt want to. I wanted to ask for a hug but didnt have the guts.

CUT

Wilson told clay ''can she hug you? she's a hugger.'' and AMAZINGLY clay said ''of course''

AND I HUGGED CLAY . Hanlim was laughing his bird laugh.

END.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My tragic dream ended just like that! and what the hell does ''she is a hugger'' mean!? and why is han and gay doing in my dream!

But still, i managed to hug clay... even if it is.... well, in my dreams.

What keeps me going?

2010-08-01T01:01:00.002+08:00

What keeps me going,

are my goals.

But we all lose sight of what we want and where we want to go sometimes.

So what really keeps me going during times like these,

are the people who always believed in me...

Sometimes, i'm really surprised and touched... and im always in awe....

How can they believe in me, and why?

Aren't I just a struggling student?

But perhaps, i am always someone more in their eyes...

Thank-you, my teachers from punggol sec... thank you for showing me these two things, called...

Faith and ... Hope

2010-07-29T22:07:00.002+08:00

For everything...

2010-07-29T21:36:00.002+08:00

For everything that turned out wrong,

i'm grateful for those which turned out right.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity.

It is hard to come by, but im glad for being recongised.

I will use these opportunities to do my best- the first time, everytime.

its time?

2010-07-25T00:12:00.002+08:00

it used to be once in a blue moon..

they were just teasing questions..

then it became more frequent...

once every few months.

Then it became a monthly affair.

Then perhaps weekly...

During the past two weeks,

about 5 or more people asked me the golden question: "Are you attached?"

perhaps its really time?

am i really growing up so fast?

2010-07-07T21:48:00.000+08:00

wake up your fucking idea.

Montage

2010-07-05T23:50:00.006+08:00

I've been feeling happy lately...

I've been feeling melancholic...

I've been feeling confused, angry, insignificant.

But sometimes I feel grateful.

Sometimes, I feel like i'm a lucky girl.

But today, right now, right here, I don't know what I should be feeling.

Should I feel scared?

life is a roller coaster...

2010-06-20T21:59:00.002+08:00

for the past few weeks, i've been busy with.. what else.. work?

But i did went out to PLAY...

first was the outing with some toastmasters from hongkong... too bad, due to sk i could only go out ONCE with them... (haha i get to ride on the flyer for free)

then it was pretty much preparing for my 4th TM project (best speaker again! whooo)

went for the bonding session with the TAs... pretty much just chillin' out with the people whom i already can click well... but i had fun playing with sandcastles and make up for my deprived childhood...

lots of things happened recently... mostly with work... i should say, coming back to work again made me see the company with a new perspective... well we are only human after all...

i once had the ideal image and now it is gone... all and all i'm still glad to have really good friends supporting me no matter what happened... i'm glad to have made a few trustworthy friends there as well...

and for my close friends outside (specifically to the two people who heard me grumble about work for the last week)... i'm not sure if you're reading this- but i really appreciate you guys for listening to me grumble about work ... =)

and as for school.... i've got a nagging feeling i cant chiong finish my mods in time for graduation...i am really lost on module mapping.. especially with usp and my lit stuff for UEs... and me prolly going to southampton.. zomggg...

looking forward to resting and getting to plan my stuff this coming july.. =)

Fats

2010-06-07T22:43:00.003+08:00

This is yours truly on singapore flyer two years ago back in 2008:

this is yours truly on sg flyer last week, 2010

ive grown so fat. FML. i better do something.

Table scraps 3 : the more serious stuff

2010-05-31T21:49:00.004+08:00

I attempted to blog about all the serious table scraps yesterday, and i had lots to say. But, i was too nervous about the results so i decided to postpone it till today. That is until....

1. Year 1 Sem 2 results for Clara Ang

I subscribed to the push/sms thing, and i thought the result is gonna be out at 930 am or 1130 am. But mum decided to wake me up at 930 today.... i looked at my phone... lo and behold... university of stupid decided to send me my results at 730 am. the first thing my eye scanned for is the cap.

it was (i saw) (and still is fml) 3.95

from 4.0 last sem t0 3.95 now, this is just heartbreaking... and so my eyes (still groggy) decided to look for the mod that supposedly pulled my grade down... my eyes signaled out LRT (which is a B- , worse that what i got for godammed theatre last sem, a B). wtf. I should've known that.

My first reaction was of course disappointment, then my hands, already holding my half-dead sony-ericsson, decided to activate my fingers to dial nadine's number. I told nadine my grades (with my retainers still on and all) before i told my mother. apparently technology made it easier for me to make a call to bedok than having to float out of my room and scream my results to mum.

I know i sounded like a spoilt brat, complaining about my cap and all. People scoring lower than 3.5 will come and hack me with a dagger or something. But there are noone i know with cap less than 3.5.... or for the matter, right now, 4.0....

But i really couldnt fathom the fact... how did i even managed to score B- for tourism? i did a mental calculation with nadine... i scored B- for 10% of the mod for presentation, B+ for another 10%, A got another 25%, and the exam constitutes 40%, leaving the remaining for participation. This means that i must've really screwed my exam... (with is partly true but its only the last question's fault!!!!) .... i DUNNO ANYMORE ARGH.

And for this sem, i worked REALLY SUPER HARD. those who are close to me know that.

Plus, this is the sem that i really learnt alot of new things.. i told prof G this... that i really learnt alot...

but look at this shit result. And it doesnt help when all the TS/ TAs around me are scoring much higher. ok lets not talk about TS/TAs... lets talk about the other friends... ARGH. ok i know, i should be GRATEFUL and i should only COMPETE AGAINST MYSELF...

but i didnt even reach the target i scored for myself... and seriously, i worked so hard.

ok i have been telling myself that everything happens for a reason and this is a learning experience... and i've been thinking.. THE ONLY FREAKING THING I CAN LEARN FROM THIS IS THAT THE LECTURERS TAKING THE MODS ARE VERY IMPORTANT.

i think i used the wrong strategy and i didnt pray enough

or i didnt accumulate enough good karma.

ok, apparently this entry will only end with 1 table scrap. I shall continue Table scraps 3 part II when i have the mood.

What a difference, a day makes.....

2010-05-23T18:16:00.002+08:00

Its been a long, long week.... sometimes i couldnt help but wonder, how things can change over the short span of 24 hours....

lots of stuff happen, and once again i felt myself looking at the world with a slightly different perspective...

here i am, sitting here typing and thinking how its so difficult to trace our own thoughts, words, and actions cos they're linked to each other and constantly in a flux...

anyway, went to horizon pri on mon for coaching (pri 1 students, so cuteeee!!!) then went for a swim.

on tues, it was such a horrible day... things happened ..woke up at 5++ am for work and reached home only at 5pm (pay only 40 bucks wth) then took a cab to school for TM.... delivered my speech for project 3...and got my blue ribbon for best speaker (my 2nd blue ribbon out of 3 projects !)... was really encouraged by what gary told me. Most importantly, i was glad that i gave my 100% ... for preparing the speech and for turning up..even after a long day of work..

wednesday was the start of my new camp at bartley... its been almost/more than 1 year since i did a full camp... went to see prof godfrey ( a much-needed meeting, i dunno why, seeing him is cathartic somehow.) and bumped into morbid outside MOE while flagging for cab. morbid is still as evil as ever. nuff said.

Had nice trainers for bartley camp and learnt alot, especially from wt and gl. .

went out with the gays and nadine yesterday.... a much-needed break. talked to crooked, and he made me feel much better about work.... how can i survive without him ?

R.I.P Dr Goh Keng Swee

Its time to let go...

2010-05-15T12:32:00.000+08:00

This is the way
That I state my independence
That I'm no longer connected to your memory
This is the day
That I am making my defection,
That I claim back the affection
That you stole from me
I used to hear your music so loud
But it's all over
Your just another face in the crowd
I'm letting you know

No more sad songs
I'm letting it go now
Switch off/switch on
I'm letting you know
You turned out the light
I'm gonna be alright when I...
Turn the radio off
No more sad songs

i'm back

2010-05-15T01:54:00.002+08:00

i'm back...

after two rounds of sickness. once during exams, which freaked me out totally, and once after exams.

going to southampton next feb-may.

out with TEAM on thursday to pitstop an sgriver... i LOVE them alot! had so much fun...

then went to catch up with ben at ps over Manhattan's.

went for drama night just now... i love my old jc friends too =) missed them so much.

Right now, i've decided to be a happy person.

slowly but surely, i've decided to let go.

thanks nadine for enlightening.

and did i mention,

Godfrey brightens up my dullest day =)

2010-04-06T20:48:00.002+08:00

this will be the last post before my exams..

this week, although today is only the second day of the week... has been a trying one.

somehow, i feel inadequate. I felt that i failed as a speaker, failed as a student, failed as a human being.

But, knowing that the past is not equal to the future, there are no failures, only learning experiences, and E+R=O ....

I will hang on

and i will give my 100%.

How hard do i want it?

Someone, told me, what doesnt kill you only, makes you stronger sets you free...

2010-03-15T17:37:00.005+08:00

Sometimes i feel battered

and it didnt stop.

What can a three-year old know? it seems like quite alot.

you made me grow up fast,

what you said and did, teared my heart.

It was only during that rainy day, i was so little, i sat on your car.

you looked at me, and smile ,and that was the first time i felt you caring.

but i was so young, and soon it was gone.

sometimes i feel battered

sometimes i cried myself to sleep.

I didnt know what happened then, but i could feel it.

Sometimes i feel empowered.

I gritted my teeth and pushed myself forward.

"why work so hard?" people ask,

"why do you make yourself feel stressed?"

because deep down inside,

i know thats the only way up and out.

me, only me.

"but that's so not you"

how do you even know who am i?

how do i know?

not me, i dont. so what makes you certain...

when i was 15 i was happy

when i was 16 i was sad

it was another person.... you walked into my life

then you walked out

no hard feelings

I dont feel anything when you talk to me now,

not anymore.

At 4pm this afternoon i broke down.

but it was just a brief moment

a moment where life's hardships came running to me,

they wanted to drown me.

not anymore.

because i know it aint how hard i fall everytime

but how i keep picking myself up

and keep on moving forward

because i once told my students, that it isznt what you get in life,

but what you decide to do with it that matters

happy on the outside,

sad on the inside

happy on the inside.

nice guys are dead, god save the gays

2010-02-19T22:24:00.002+08:00

1. all nice guys are gays but not all gays are nice.

clay aiken= nice

sir ian = nice

thisparticularpersonverygeoggyone= nice

unknown pink aquaintance = nice

morbid= evil

2. yesterday i met a classmate who told me im not like other people from university stupid programme. this means that a) im dont have a certain ''air'' or b) i am so stupid i stand out from the crowd. dunno want to laugh or cry

3. today some people waste my time. tomorrow also.

happy new year pull your valentine's ear

2010-02-15T00:08:00.003+08:00

1. RUBI shoes everywhere (mine's the pink one). i realised its not THAT cheap cos you only get to wear it a few times.

2. i love kids (especially toddlers and babies). but too bad didnt see some of my other niece and nephews. some kids didnt change when you see them after a few months... some of them grew so fast i cant even recognise them

3. ice wine is yums

4. my valentine song

5. didnt take any pics except the shoes one above. dont ask why

6. i dont know what to say now.

7. i still love clay aiken

2010-02-12T22:27:00.003+08:00

Its been a distressing week.

almost 3 years, i guess i should move on

i hinted, but it seemed like you wouldn't care anyway.

Ahh....

2010-01-30T20:17:00.001+08:00

I guess i'm going through QUITE a rough patch now.

tons and tons of readings to do

tons and tons of content to comprehend

tons and tons of essays (graded!) due.

im scared

and frankly speaking, i feel stupid in class sometimes.

yes, im struggling, with GE2225 , which ive to do stats in a computer programme

with writing mod, which everyone else is just so damn smart

with tourism.... dont talk about it.

with CCA stuff.... still thinking bout it.

but i can pull through all these

I WILL.

first week

2010-01-15T23:16:00.001+08:00

first week and im already flooded by readings.

three 8am days and one 10am day......

i miss the gayness in geog.

like seriously.

"Heroes have fears too... but they dont care... they just do it.."

first post of 2010...

2010-01-03T16:27:00.003+08:00

it doesnt feel like 2010...

on new year day itself we went for a roadtrip..... it was nice just driving (sitting on the car for me) around... looking at the scenery...

then it dawned onto me that we're growing up really fast.... it seemed so surreal that dick was the one behind the wheels and we're not taking public transport for once. (i never screamed so much in a car in my whole life before) (ps, the others didnt think its a big deal dick was driving.. i mean, HOW COULD THEY NOT??)

in 2010, I will be 20 years old (omg, thats, OLD) ... this means i will have to take on more responsibilities, and that im getting closer to working in the big and scary world out there... with no adults protecting me.... because im gonna be one too, soon...

may 2010 be more fulfilling and smooth-sailing for all of us!

Looking back at 2009

2009-12-31T23:40:00.004+08:00

Another year, another dream.

If i were to give each and every year a name, i will most certainly dub 2009 as a year of transition. Transition from Jc to the working world to university. Transition from taking responsibilities as a youth

to learning to take on more responsibilities as an adult...

year 2009 has opened my eyes to many things in life, good or bad, heart-warming or heart-wrenching.

Year 2009, the year where i had the longest holiday in possibly my whole life.

Year 2009, when the economy crashed, im glad i could find two fantastic (low-paying) yet challenging ''jobs''.

Year 2009, during the inauguration of the first ever black president In America's history, I was in the staff room of my alma-mater.

TIP

This is certainly a year which i met alot of people. I went back to my old school. Everything seems so, surreal. I know the surroundings, I know the people. Yet, I felt i dont belong there sometimes- the construction going on, the new teachers, the new management. But im glad i

went back anyway, i made the right choice.

Im glad to have my teachers to support me. The moment where i stepped into the pantry during my birthday, seeing all my favourite teachers standing there with a birthday cake, and mr tan coming up all the way to the classroom i was in to give me a card-- its THE moment.

I forged bonds with some students, but at the same time i might just be a passing stranger in their life... but one thing that im sure of, is that this is what i would like to do for the time being.

Im glad that i met some TIP friends that i can click with too....

AKLTG

I finally had the time and chance to join the big ak family after three years of graduating from iag... i really had alot of fun and learnt alot... This also helped spark off my interest in nlp and public speaking...

NUS

I would never have dreamed that i will be able to get into this school... from a person who scored 196 in psle who went to a neighbourhood school. TO think that when i first went to jc i was afraid that people would laugh at me because i was from punggol sec- - when i first stepped into nus, i was angry when people looked down on nyjc! Although i had challenges in nus, i hope to do my best no matter what... and i am PROUD to be a geographer!

OLD FRIENDS

Since im not studying for most of the year, i am glad that i have more opportunities to catch up with friends.... especially peixian, sophia, mingfeng, ivan, shahida,... all the secondary school friends...although for some of my other friends ive drifted further away from them...

to all the nyjc people, i love you too..

TO all of you who've been here for me, I love all of you and i appreciate what you've done for me... lets work harder and strive for our goals together in the year ahead!

Goals for 2010

1. TO be a more healthy person, lose arm and tummy fats.

2. Maintain CAP points

3. DO my best for CCA and be a better speaker, constantly challenge myself to speak to more people, grabbing any opportunities there are.

4. To be a better person, more responsible, more compassionate and considerate.

5. I Promise to be a happier person and be more positive, keep my moods in check.

Angry.

2009-12-31T17:43:00.003+08:00

I still cant confirm which mods im taking this coming sem because of this:

"Dear Sir/ Mdm

I am writing pertaining issues due to the current bidding. Firstly, i declared my major as Geography, and did the MPE exercises accordingly, but IT IS NOT REFLECTED IN THE in the current system. ALL THE modules that i chose (in the department of geography)are also NOT ALLOCATED TO ME IN THE MPE.

As the current round of bidding is for the people majoring in the subjects, i am unable to bid for my modules.

It is crucial that I complete my geography modules as I am under the teaching award scheme and geography is my first teaching subject. Also, it is impossible for me to bid for all the four geog modules individually (and also one literature module) because i am a freshmen and might not have so much bidding points at hand.

I do hope you can look into this matter as soon as possible, and appreciate your time." *

*some words censored.

After one whole day of fretting and waiting after i called two departments, i received an email at night telling me my major is now reflected, and that I HAVE TO BID.

and so i went on to bid, despite the fact that it is totally unfair to me since its THEIR fault that i missed out on the pre-allocation exercise.

However,when i went onto bid, i found out there there are STILL TWO MODULES THAT I AM UNABLE TO BID IN THE CURRENT ROUND.

i woke up early this morning to call them just to find out that nobody is answering the phone. apparently they gave gone on holiday, while the bidding is still going on.

so now i have to wait until monday, the last few hrs of bidding to get to them. fantastic.

Before all these was two days ago, on tues when i was havign camp at fengshan pri.... i couldnt log onto the website as the said that MY NAME IS NOT UNDER THEIR UNDERGRADUATE SYSTEM. the problem was rectified after i email them, only to log on and find out that i wasnt pre- allocated any mods and my major was empty.

Luckily while this happened i was with the ak people doing camp, and this took my mind off stuffs for awhile... (maths camp on monday till evening, then went for movie gala [avatar] and went back to sch early next morning for 2nd day of camp.. shagged)

went for dinner and supper with prison geog department last night... helped me to relax also... before this stupid screwed up system.

tell me again why are the sch fees so expensive?

The meaning of christmas

2009-12-25T01:46:00.002+08:00

somebody asked me: "what is the meaning of Christmas?".

well, im not christian but to me xmas to me, is a time for giving and to show appreciation to those who are around me.

but almost every year, i felt... sad at the same time. Do people even remember me when i am thinking about them? am i being too... ''extra''... sending them greetings when i dont mean anything to them at all?

This Christmas, i find myself not sending out xmas cards, and buying gifts.

The text messages i sent out are minimal. yes, i still fret when people dont reply my greetings.

Somehow i feel that ive given enough. I know i should not expect people to reciprocate... i never did for the past many years. It feels... weird.

But now i am tired. For those who are really there for me all these years, I will be there for you too. For some of you who've cared enough for me, I know it- although you might not near anything from me- you know we've passed that stage.

For the others, well, like i said, ive given enough.

Blessed Christmas too all...

More table scraps

2009-12-20T16:16:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry i havent been updating as regulary as i would have wanted.! [i guess the last post wouldnt count- nobody would have understood wad the heck i was writing about] the past week was just .... busy i guess, having to have went out for almost everyday.

So, these are the few things left to be thrown out on this blog:

1. oh gosh its taking me way too loooong to write out my speech for project 2! and ive been planning to write for p3 as well! omg omg omg!!!!!! procrastination KILLS.

2. cramps sucks

3. princess and the frog is nice! at least i sat through the movie without glancing at my watch! not even once! my attention was only taken away from the screen twice when i was replying texts. Disney movies never disappoint! (at least for the classics!). Then it dawned onto me that this was the FIRST time i am watching a disney movie as an adult! (the last one released was in 1998 i think- mulan?). Watching a princess film from a teenager's perspective (im young and hip and vibrant- not an adult yet muahahaha) is indeed a different experience.

4. omg im getting fatter and fatter

5. ive gotten myself a mentor for TM! i think fate is a weird thing! anyway the person has agreed to be my mentor on THREE CONDITIONS. (come ask me more about it if u want- im not going to type it here). Although im a little scared, but im glad ive taken the chance to ASK this person to mentor me. This should be another pushing force for me to work harder and improve more.

6. omg, christmas shopping!!!!! 1 more gift to go- what should one buy for a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD DUDE! (my cousin, if you're wondering.) and since we're on the topic of christmas shopping, here's some of the stuff ive bought:

Carebear for my 3 year old niece--cute!

Cheapskate toy for my cousin (im broke ok!)

mmmmmmm-- liquer fudge!! feel like eating em myself!

Candycanes! -- well not exactly a gift, but im gonna personalise them to give it to some of my friends who im meeting up!

and as u can see--- ive not started with my wrapping YET!

7.omgomgomgomgogmogmogmogmoomgogmogmogmg resultsoutontuesday ivegotenoughnightmares omgomgmogmogmogogommgogogggmomgmmgog HYPERVENTILATES

8. i wished ive paid more attention during maths lessons when i was in primary school. so that now i dont have to reivse all over again for the upcoming maths camp i will be coaching. This is quite a challenge for me- given that ive failed my psle maths (grade- D) and caused me to have pri sch maths phobia (if not for maths generally, until now, but its been better since sec sch).

9. on my way to *ak AFTER helping out in school for TM on friday, some people who claimed that God is a female asked me to join their church, etc. Since ive got no time to really talk to them, i ran off after helping them to do a survey. Even though im not christian, i'm still thinking: why do God have to be male or female or white or black?

10. omgomgomomg school is reopening soon. Gosh.

*for those of you who still do not know-

ak- short for akltg

TM- short for toastmasters

analyse the poem below and comment on the author's usage of ...

2009-12-13T22:52:00.007+08:00

It was, dinner at 1am.

At least she's got the power to do so.

If not she'd be fed finner at 7pm.

It seemed to be the ony good thing that happened

lately

She walked, only to find out that it was the same path that led her

round and round.

At least she's familiar with the route now.

Not really.

How could they?

How can she?

And then she felt that familiar sensation

of a hundred thousand daggers stabbing.

Yes, there just at the heart,

A little more and she might be dead,

Why not? a little more?
Please.

Now she's struggling.

She knows, no matter how much she bled

which direction the bright red fluid oozes

things would continue to be so.

Whats's the only good thing that's happend?

well, THAT.

but only THAT.....

and the remainder?

just escaped her.

leaving only those,

open and sore

residues.

sigh?

2009-12-11T01:06:00.002+08:00

ok this is like, the shortest year-end hols ive been given, since like, forever? so when people started asking me questions about xmas gifts, im like totally flabbergasted (is that how you spell it?) like, xmas? now?

anyway ive spent like ALOT of money on like, NOTHING. quite impossible , isnt it? spending so much and yet it seems that you bought so little.

but its entirely possible, i tell you. like, you bought nonsensical stuff thinking for a moment its practical but it somehow ends up in your closet most of the year.

and i signed this hair package thing. for $85 (8 sessions) so 1 session is like $14++.... for cut and wash. lifetime. (unless mingfeng say the hair salon ... CHOY CHOY CHOY!!!!) so i think its an investment? on the other hand i feel insecure.

then i went to this facial thing. and i went to pay them $399 for 10 sessions. THIS ONE. DONT SAY ANYMORE =( i just have to tell myself that at the end of the day when my face is as smooth as baby's butt and i get my eyebrow trimmed often its worth it.

went jogging today. with px and sophia. its like the worst jogging session ive ever been to. like so not productive lah. im so unhealthy =( sad.

ive been emo-ing alot and i try not thinking about... stuff

anyway TM just texted me. turns out that ive gotta go for next week's meeting to be a.... timekeeper. when ive emailed the guy ( i assume) early to get a role. . now ive just got to make a trip all the way to kent ridge at night just to check time.

ok maybe its my fault. i didnt tell him which role i want. but i assume he knows that first come first serve should give speaking role to me? ok im wrong. my bad.

anyway ive never kept time before so it can be a good learning experience for me.

2009-12-06T23:18:00.002+08:00

SEASONS CHANGE.

PEOPLE CHANGE.

FEELINGS CHANGE.

HOW DO THINGS END WHEN THEY DIDN'T EVEN START?

MY table scraps

2009-12-02T23:02:00.004+08:00

since ive not been blogging and since clay didnt too, and just did a table scrap ... i think its a good idea to start with.... btw, i MIA for so long, cos of my finals...

___________________________________________________________________

anyway the first thing to talk about is of course the stupid exams which is like the worst exam ive ever taken in MY WHOLE LIFE. its like i stared at the paper and and and and.... my mind is in a BLANK. thats like very bad. GEOG was the worst paper and i just wrote what i taught the sec 3 people down on the paper which is like not relavant at ALL.

___________________________________________________________________

and now its like holidays but im still worrying about module planning and such. WHICH MODS SHOULD I TAKE????? oh gosh! and yes, my friend mentioned that its tiresome having to make ''friends'' and know new classmates all over again every sem.

___________________________________________________________________

im going out with weilin to get ms vic's wedding gift.. im wondering what should we buy.... meaningful and practical!

__________________________________________________________________

I was telling hanlim that everyone has a gf and is going to ditch me =(

_________________________________________________________________

gosh i NEED TO EXCERCISE and shake off all the fats ive been accumulating. soon people can open oil refinery at my house.

___________________________________________________________________

Am reading nick hornby's book. i like the way he puts down the thought process of the protagonists in his novels!

__________________________________________________________________

this is to reward all of you who still wants to stalk me. i appreciate your sarpork:

dont say- I KNOW.

_________________________________________________________________

ive got to plan my speeches for TM, clear my room, and do all the other stuffs that i dont want to think about now.

__________________________________________________________________

christmas!!! do i even have enough cash to buy the gifts PLUS clothes PLUS go facial PLUS shoes PLUS rebond my hair PLUS go dentist PLUS maybe pierce my ear? anyone know a nice place to rebond (cheap and can last long and wont end up looking like flat piece of plastic?)

___________________________________________________________________

okay one last pic before i go. dont worry, my self esteem is quite high. laugh if you want.

yes, ive kindly censored the carplate manually.

sorrie!!!

2009-10-29T22:08:00.002+08:00

im damn sorry i've been MIA-ing for so long.... perhaps it would be a good idea if i sign up to twitter and link it up to my blog?
but now say also tock cock sing song only, where got time to do all these?

omg i've still got lit essay, geog project, and theatre production (which will span until reading week)

how to revise like that? and my readings are behind for 1 month already i think omggg.

omg omg omg omg omgggggggggggggggggggggggggg

i is very scared!

btw, thanks girls for all your tags there.... so touched *sobs*

wandering...

2009-10-01T22:00:00.002+08:00

i didnt do well for lit. the fact that it is bell-curve and all. I dont get what the are saying in lit. we are on different wavelengths. either that or i am completely off-track. but it wasnt like that in 0731 lit. maybe ive become.... more stupid?

i know thats not positive but im feeling scared and sad now. i wish im rich enough not to get THAT THING just so i can graduate without being in debt. now i feel.... like ive got expectations to live up and i dont know whether im up to it.

theatre test today was horrible. i worked so hard for it, only to end up... forgetting everything that i've learnt. i think im not using the right strategies, im not focusing well.

with my first icebreaker speech next week and monologue ive got to do for theatre pract test.. not to mention the critique that i still dont have any idea how to do... soci test... SE assignment, geo assignments, two lit assignments, phy geog lab work coming up.... then after that it will be exams.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I dreamt of the days
of
listening to the ships
of
smelling the salty sea
giggling
runnng home
walking
along the tracks
by the field of grass
on that crowded bus
across that overhead bridge

now it is just not there
the grass patch
stripped bare
the sea-view
blocked

sometimes
i see the shadows falling across the sun
the sun burning my skin
i seek to
walk past the beaten tracks again
the familiar route
filled with anguish, tears,
happy memories.

now i just cant find it anymore
not the tracks
not there
not anymore

when it rains...

2009-09-26T01:08:00.003+08:00

I've always thought that there's this, whole BIG gang of us, all from the same good, old cheena pok school... after looking at this photo, i realised that its only the 7 of us who shared the same geog experience back in ny...

i would be sitting in geog lectures, week by week, gasping and at the same time lamenting about how fast time flies... thinking about how, barely a ear ago, i was still sitting in ny's LT laughing at mr ng & morbid or chasing mr ng for consultations...
but most of the time, i would be fretting, and worrying about how fast they are going through the stuff there, and that i could barely catch up with the curriculum..

And there, at the lectures, i will be sitting with the ny geog-gers. Why them? why not just sit with the ... i dont know... other new ''friends?'' ... i dont know, it might just be that.. i felt comfortable with them... although i dont know most of them that well . Heck, for the first year in cheenapoksch i didnt even realise some of them EXIST.. . to think that we are sitting in the same lt and even the same tutorial room...

or rather, i just think that the rest of the new ''friends'' are too smart. (not that the ny ppl are not smart, thay are, but not in such a scary manner).

It rained, during the fieldtrip. ''it only rained for a total of FIVE minues for the past years!" the prof was saying.
And the cheenapokpeople thought that its our fault. It always rained during our past fieldtrips. and we never fail getting drenched, despite bringing our brollies with us. (and it rained during tutorials too.. remember?)

And i was wondering, how was it like, when the prof took my teachers out for similar fieldtrips years ago? and crooked was just telling me days ago that he went for this fieldtrip when he was a freshman...

but how could they even survive... four years ... in this school?

my virgin recess week passed just like that. with tons of work still untouched.

how will i ever survive?

lagging behind

2009-09-11T19:12:00.001+08:00

omg. everything's just so depressing i dont know what to do. im behind the readings for like the 1000th time.

arh there's just so msny things to be done .

How your body clock ticks

2009-08-29T13:03:00.003+08:00

I've been haveing false delusions lately.

Like more than one month ago, i kept on having the feeling that it was christmas...
And these few weeks, i kept on thinking that its chinese new year.

I used to think that its due to the weather.. but having had an epiphany just now(or a few days ago, i cant remember, i think i cant make sense of time anymore) ... i finally realised that its because of the new school term starting in august, instead of janurary.

You see, having been in the traditional singapore education system for like, what, more than 10 years where school starts at janurary every single year.. . ive gotten into the habit of thinking that THE MONTH BEFORE SCHOOL = WINDY WEATHER = CHRISTMAS. And also NOT LONG AFTER SCHOOL REOPENS = WEATHER STILL WINDY = CHINESE NEW YEAR.

weird not?

And anyway, i feel weird blogging here cos there're no interactions between me and the readers anymore. But i shalt keep blogging anyway, its a great way to reflect.

Made a visit to ny yesterday. Tentatively on monday, for teachers day you see... but turned out that its easier to sync the timing for everyone on friday. BUT then again, it turned out that only a few of us went.

Its always nice to go back there. Its funny to think that some two years ago, i would NEVER, NEVER have thought that i will feel so at home at ny, or even be close to the teachers there.

Of course my interaction with the teachers are at a different level from that of the teachers in prison. in cheenapoksch its more of an , affectionate level.. while in prison we're so close i know whats happening in the staffroom, the politics and so-on. While waiting for a teacher at cheenapoksch yesterday and seeing him sort of troubled but showing none of that when he was talking to us, it dawned on me that i havent go a single clue on whats happening in the staffroom. like do they even have politics there? i bet so- but what?

anyway, i know i cant keep on going back, i have to learn to be independent... and i occured to me that i dont know when will i be visiting them again... next year? maybe.. or not.

School is getting better i think.. having had my first tutorials ... i have to take charge of my own life and stip blaming. i willl make my way round the timetables.

im still behind my readings and feeling stupid and stuff.. but still...

if it is meant to be, it is up to me.

it has been a hell of a week...

2009-08-21T23:46:00.002+08:00

getting rejected by a cca. first time in my whole life i am rejected, something pertaining to speaking somemore. but i am not devastated or anything. i might not fit in anyway.. it is just not me.

out of my 5 modules , i was only offered 1 of my desired choice. tough luck.

things might not be going my way for the past two weeks, but im going to keep holding on and hanging-in there.

went to toastmasters..

and tonight went for this monologue..''salusuah'' very intimate, very deep, very intriguing. Went with this friend of mine whom i first met in jc pae... didnt keep in contact with her but did so now, cos of theatre.. isnt fate such a funny thing?

Being in a new school makes me think of when i was in secondary 1, with 4 whole years of exciting, albeit unknown stuff going to unfold and happen before me. Seemingly, i was less terrified of whats before me... now im having so much doubt its turning unhealthy...The parallel to secondary school is perhaps the things that u've gotta plan for 4 years, rather than 2 years in jc. . . in secondary school i was like a warrior, charging and fighting for every opportunities that comes, or even did not cross my path.Perhaps when you're older you get more timid.Or im losing steam and slowing down, getting tired.There is no doubt that i grew and learnt alot during secondary school... i showed so much determination that it scares me sometimes, when i looked back in awe.Now it is time for me to pick all these up, and more... so that i can have a fruitful time during my undergrad year.courage is all i need.

apparently blogger is having some problems?

2009-08-16T16:43:00.000+08:00

first week in uni is like, omg. I was overwhelmed in many aspects. the subjects requirements, CCA, time in which i'll be spending alone due to different timetables with friends, missing uniforms, buying books,bumping into primary school mates, embarrassing myself, taking forever to travel thru-and -fro.

i have totally no idea how to finish all the readings within required time. NOT TO MENTION the understanding part.

tutorial balloting is like wth also.

omg,why the hell do people say uni life will be a breeze?

i guess what i'll have to do now is to keep holding on and perservere.

somehow, not getting mails from office about TA updates are sort of weird? gah.

omg. SCHOOL SOON!

2009-08-09T15:11:00.004+08:00

its like, really damn fast. the 7 month's worth of holidays are coming to an end. Sad to say, i havent really completed most of the stuff i've planned during my pre-a level days. More about that later... cos im going to talk about what i did this week...

Last week i went to my first ever coach training, in which ive procrastinated/ not fated to attend for the past threee years. The people there are really different. Although i've sorta like gotten myself ready for the culture-shock there... im still well, shocked. Wait till i do the public camp there. i wasnt really on-form for the trainings there except for maybe like last sunday's mod 1. I've ot a feeling somehow i like to be in sch trainings more than the public one. we shall see . . .

monday was the inaugeration which i didnt attend and very well so, cos like people were telling me its gonna be useless. Tuesday was flagging in which i made the effort to really get the money. i guess i have the pathetic face that the uncle and aunties like cos my tin gets heavy quite fast =)

wednesday went to meet my academic advisor then went to saw my court shoes then went to coach training again. (sibei not on-form for that one. ZZZ. and they actually did assessment on that day so ... haiz)

thursday was the presentation ceremony. nothing to say. i guess im not fated to be a scholar lah. but its a learning experience that i can share with students next time lor. Got to do with BELIEFS and goal-settings.

Friday went back to prison then went to eat with elaine and cal.. then went home to mug for the coach test.

Saturday went to take the coach test.. only get 77%... below my expextations..but at least thats a pass. then went to watch ''up'' with the dudes. didnt really sit down and talk leh.. but its nice to at least see them anyway...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, since the hols are coming to an end , i want to list down what ive accomplished so far during the hols:

1. Janurary- march: Get into the TIP and learnt not only about the teaching culture, students, classroom management, delivery of content, but also the school management.

2. April- July: made and bashed my way into the kukubird company... went to many schools to have a taste of their culture... and also learn more about accelerated learning. There's indeed more than just the tip of the iceberg i education...

3. Although you can say that im more ''daring'' than the others on stage, i still feel shaky sometimes when i speak to a bunch of people , especially when im not prepared. my stint has certainly helped me to speak more confidently. (and how to be more entertaining as well).

4. Read and understand more about nlp. (but sadly not getting the practitioner cert, cos i need to save up more $$ for that).

5. Met alot of new people (but how many can i keep as friends and really relate to?) and also did alot of catching up with old friends... i dunno how often can i afford to do that once school starts. But im really glad to be able to still keep in touch with them...

i didnt do alot of things that i planned to do, such as revamping my room, pierce my ear, learn baking , get my 1 star kayaking cert, getting my saxy back, slim down etc... i guess thats because i didnt do a checklist to keep track of all my goals... sigh. a learning point here lor.

Sad thing is that the period between ur a levels and uni is the LONGEST HOLIDAYS im probably going to get. .. . keeping track of your goals is something that the people can take note of .. if u're going to get such a long holidays. (eg after Os or As when u really have absolutely nothing to worry about, except for maybe ur results)

2009-07-31T23:49:00.001+08:00

i guess im so stressed that even a person who barely know me for half an hour know that im a kanchiong spider.
this is a feedback! i will do my best to change. we want urgency here, not stress and anxiety! =)
this week is like- whoosh!
monday was a talk, then to nbps to see the kids (thanks terrence for the ride from nus to nb).. went to tampines to eat with crooked and sumo wrestler then went home.
tues, i became a sheep when i succumed to my friends when they persuaded me to stay at home to watch the webcast. turned out that the webcast sucked and buffers every two minutes or even less than that . im NEVER going to do such a thing again. neh mind just treat it as a learning experience..
wednesday i went to matriculate and went for university stupid programme. i was wondering how on earth am i going to blend in with those people when i met like a few nice people... in which two of them are from ny (see, i TOLD YOU!! ny people are HARMLESS and NICE) and one from cj..
went home on thurs evening to prepare for bidding.. might have went home later and stayed on for the uniform party if it wasnt held in fuhua sec... somewhere in lakeside (which means damn far away from sk)
the story for the next 24 hrs include eating shitting sleeping and bidding. its seriously a cycle for 24 hrs.
i didnt get any university stupid programme mods. (very FANGRY!!) but the story is too long for me to type out here. so i have to do 5 exp mods and here it is:
Eng lit, geography, sociology, theatre, south east asian studies.
very heavy, but i will tell myself that
I CAN DO IT! LIKE, TOTALLY!
to end off and to make all you, non-existent readers happy , let me show you this:

p.s zoom in to see.

p.p.s i just made ur day, didnt i?

All these are scaring the shit out of me

2009-07-28T22:15:00.002+08:00

omgomgomgomg.

smartypants camp tmr. clash with marticulation in the morning and clash with bidding the next day omg

im going to be myself there man. uniform party thinking of wearing prison uniform. i must be the FIRST ever prisoner to be there lor.

OMGGGGGGG still havent packed finished.

when the wrong eyelid twitches...

2009-07-19T21:53:00.003+08:00

how come everything is just so fucked up? yes, you didnt read the word wrongly. This should be the first time whereby i typed the word on this blog. Oh well. i'm 19 and im entitled to type that word.

Yeah man, be grateful. Then what? i just wanna learn as much as possible before school starts ... not that i didnt go and fight for it right. bloody hell. somtimes people just dont do what they say.

i know im creating all those negative vibes by typing these and all the negative vibes will like get back to me, or so the law of attraction says. But i dont give a damn right now . damnit.

be grateful..

2009-07-18T20:15:00.002+08:00

iag camp this week at yckss was quite nice... =)

feel that ive grown quite alot... and the students there are damn nice. so touched man. first time see students give me ferraro roche.. even pss students i that i taught for three months also dont have lor..
gifts aside, each time i see my name on the feedback form, i will be even more motivated to work hard... even though im just a random musicwoman, i do hope to help those people, even if its just a few.. because sometimes i see myself in their eyes.. this person who's venturing into the unknown world of GCE papers.. feeling scared cos you've failed before and because you're from a neighbourhood school..

and not even that. when i saw the goals and action plan that they wrote, i will be very heartened... i really hope, from the bottom of my heart, that they will do as they say on the form.

today this girl told me that she's scared.. and i told her that fear is normal.. what i didnt tell her is that deep inside me, im also fearing for this new uni life thats starting... new culture, new environment, even new studying methods..

during this iag im glad that dan and gary gave me feedbacks.. my only regret is that ive got not enough time to ask questions... when will i have the chance to get this training combi again? ...
haiz.. like crooked once told me, take action FIRST.. and i'll like to add that i'll have to take action FAST in some occasions too... Realyl alot of doubts not cleared... need to ask about anchoring, meta and milton.. blah blah... MAYBE i should get a mentor..? hehe..

i feel at home when...

2009-07-10T22:06:00.006+08:00

hello ong, thanks,=) but may i know who are you?

felt so great meeting all of them again. was having real bad ''withdrawal symptoms'' like wad janice said..

pokerface

2009-07-01T21:32:00.002+08:00

i did not do well this time.
did i give my 100%? honestly, no.
did i do things that i am proud of? yes.
But there are some things that i am still thinking about. Exploring my own map my world.

This time got ppl say i look fierce again. i must really smile more.

For all of you here who've known me for quite a substantial amount of time, i would like you to imagine for awhile...

that clara is a super shy and low and quiet person.

yes, thats who i am during the camp more than 50% of the time. pms.

2009-06-24T13:21:00.003+08:00

alot of things not going smoothly. kept on kena tio gan lately . i dont like the feeling of getting scolded. and i hate things being short-noticed. i know i should focus on the things that i want rather than those that i dont want.

but i believe there will always be tomorrow and i can make tomorrow a better day.

The poster below says :

WHAT WE ARE TODAY IS THE RESULT OF OUR OWN PAST ACTIONS. WHATEVER WE WISH TO BE IN THE FUTURE DEPENDS ON OUR PRESENT ACTIONS; DECIDE HOW YOU HAVE TO ACT NOW.

WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT WE ARE, WHATEVER WE WISH OURSELVES TO BE. WE HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE OURSELVES.

I NEED TO FOCUS ON THE OUTCOME!

2009-06-20T23:57:00.003+08:00

my abitlity to reaccount for the previous days' events and working life is stifled by some rules i guess. sometimes you just have to work around things...

past week without work. tuesday was the retreat at east coast whereby the turnout wasnt very good. kena cheated to go in the afternoon and kena cheated to run to the breakwater and my shoes were damn wet. so much so that i wanted to toast it over the grill. Why freaking wear shoes to chalet, u'd ask? cos they wanted to play soccer/captain's ball and i thought it was a real match? it was a stupid choice to wear shoes and the consequence, i have to suffer. long banged eunice and iunia to their place and back home and the cab fare was like $15 or $17. . . people with no money will always have no money?

thursday went to rp to meet with crooked and shahida. it was like freaking funny.

i look freaking like frankenstein and shahida keeps complaining she looks ugly. like wth.

friday was the stupid check-up whereby we cant take the urine or blood test cos we didnt fast? wth is isnt in the instructions (and i didnt eat anything except for one cup of diluted milo)

we were there from 1030am to about 3pm. in which we waited for more than 3 hrs just queueing. the serive is pretty bad as well. and it is a private hospital can?

I FREAKING GAINED 4KGS OMG WTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

rushed back to office in which i made a grand entrance. hate being late like that.

went for unrine and blood test today. like i say , whatever u want to do, do it a 100% or more. dont just stop where people ask you to. I totally drank like 1 litre of water on my way to the hospital and although i was asked to pee and fill half the container, i totally (and nearly ) filled it to the brim. (in which after that i capped the container and continued to pee again). the blood test was okay except for the initial part where they want to poke the needle and suck out the blood the nurse didnt want to entertain me when i said i was scared and tried to make a conversation with her.

poor yirong have to be poked two times on two separate arms cos cannot locate vein.

no assignments for two weeks.

camp next saturday.

being disiplined = doing the things that you dont like but you know it will benefit you in the end.

sometimes, all we can do is to question, perhaps silently.

2009-06-19T23:29:00.002+08:00

Sometimes stuff pisses me off.
Sometimes its my fault.

Sometimes not.

Like when things spiralled out of control,
and
you cant grasp. No nothing.

and when you stared at it,
agape.

Realisation sank in.
You knew perhaps you can react to it in a different way.
Or
Think in another perspective , maybe.

But,
you were just too....
LAZY
to care about it

Too tired.

Excuses? were they, excuses? or your mind wanting to rest,
Really,
aching to find peace

and let go?

These questions,
I ask them out of nowhere,
perhaps
somwhere,
I can hear my own echo giving me the anwers,

or can i not?

2009-06-14T12:12:00.003+08:00

hello the three people left tagging (lester, dar, joan) , excuse me i dont look like miley cyrus. and joan, i would say it is quite a dumb question to ask, sorry, cos the statement on my previous post can actually be applied to anyone.

I have like, nothing to blog about.... last i blogged i did siling pri, bukit batok sec, monfort teachers, st hilda's and zhonghua... next week ive got NO ASSIGNMENTS AT ALL. only the TA retreat and maybe dropping by the psle congress....

signed up for the arts camp yesterday there was like a freaking long queue for the camp but not other camps like sprts camp or wadsoever. apparently the people there thought im weird? neh mind i got super HIGH self esteem. i just realised that the usp networking session clashed with the arts camp and i still dunno the itenery for arts camp like wth how come the brochure and the website got different dates for the camp.

school is reopening soon like omg. i think my stress level is coming up again cos last night i dreamnt of studying for a chinese test ( i dunno why) and i was damn ill-prepared for it.

bought TWO books for like sixty bucks. very long never buy books liao. (doesnt mean i dont READ books) im very happy with my purchase and im doing to do my best to read two books simulaneously.

2009-06-03T21:21:00.001+08:00

The best form of revenge, is to be successful.

keep fighting.

zoo

2009-05-31T12:26:00.010+08:00

zoo is a little sad, especially when i see wild animals enclosed in a small area. But they are being fed every single day, without having to worry about starving to death. Perhaps that is the price to pay. In the wild, animals run free, but risking their lives to hunt and search for food.

i got my pay for april. it is a measly $500

2009-05-24T13:26:00.008+08:00

Look above. sigh. nevermind. i shall concentrate on what i want and not what i dont want. Come to think of it... $500 is not bad, considering that i AM getting PAID for learning the things that the students ARE PAYING FOR to learn.

monday was psle talk at hollyinnocents pri... quite nice. their AVA stuff is bagus... control room got air-con somemore.. shiok.

tues went down to jurongville pri... damn short-notice.. cos the ah neh suddenly got some course... damn it.. . the cab fare alone is more than my pay. somemore need to reach there earlier than the others and go back later... cos need to set up and help to paste the stuff... arrange the chairs properly etc.. dunno who is the person who did the workshop on the first day... never paste up posters etc. ZZZ. the school is damn old, damn dark, and damn far. But i learnt quite alot and get to observe the dudes there... 80 guys plus danny/freddy and im the only char bor. Then when i was waiting for cab outside the school a lorry meant to carry coffin drove past me lor.. wth. i turned so my back was facing it and i purposely dont want to see if it is carrying coffin anot.

Thursday and friday was sk at naval base pri... boss see schedule wrongly so took me out of chongzheng sk suddenly and put me in nbps...

Like i always say... fate is a funny thing la... at first i was sad that crooked was not posted to chongzheng for sk... then turned out that i will be posted to nb (not swear word lor)....

Its a really special camp for me in a few ways.. for one, it was my virgin sk assignment... the next thing is... the students were selected from three/four different classes to come for this camp.. cos their maths super weak and their friends look down on them. At first i was quite worried that i cant handle them cos there's two ADHD cases and one autism case. by turned out to be quite ok cos one of the teacher is damn nice... stand beside the adhd kids most of the time.... that teacher was so dedicated, im quite touched lor...

all the three of us (i tell u who later) really feel for the kids.. cos at some points of our lives.. we were at the bottom and got looked down by classmates/schoolmates also...

AND the third thing ... the trainers were danny and yy... the two kukubirds that were with me during my IAG three years ago.. coincidence? or fate? or wad.. i dunno...

I actually feel quite bad sometimes cos im still inexperienced and my TA skills are not up to standard.... somemore by late afternoon my eyes felt damn tired cos i was having insomnia the night before ?(slept less than three hours).. despite all that they were very forgiving.... really grateful for both of them to give me the support.

Lol. cool ball.

I was attempting to giap some other funny parts but too bad he move too fast

I felt so weird that on the second day i wrote them both a small note to thank them...(and make them feel old haha) the funny thing was that while i was writing crooked the note and telling him how fast time flies... he was asking the kids

''how many people are here from our company?"

*kids stare at him blankly*

then he was like "three right?"

*kids nodded head obediently*

"do you know that all three of us are at different stages of our lives?"

by that time i was a little confused.. i understand that of course im at a different from him and dan... but the two of them? ... UNTIL crooked went on

"three years ago clara was sitting in front here like all of you while danny was training and i was playing music behind... now i am up here training and clara is playing music behind...''

WHOA... so weird right? i also feel weird! i hope i dont freak them both by writing the note man.. i wrote em cos i really feel that its a GREAT learning experience...

anyway... yesterday, on the news , i saw that a baby's rotten corpse was found at the bus stop opp the sch.. WTH i was waiting for cab at the bus stop outside the sch can?!!!!! DAMN FREAKY LAH.

after sk went for ramen and gelare with han dick and eunice...nice hanging out with them... when i was on the train i ran into ex sec schmate... now studying in MI.. taking her a levels this year and feeling damn stressed.. she was asking for tips. apparently REKHA told her about my results. ZZZ. results are just results... like i say .. they are only passports to move to a higher level...

dunno why they eat cones. so phallic.

look damn unlam after work. stupid miley cyrus behind. who is more retarded? me or miley?

and saturday chilled at compass with peixian ivan and mingfeng. they are DAMN FREAKING FUNNY LAH. these people never fail to make me laugh. stupid people. HAHAHA.

lol too bad, compass got nothing to shop and ah xian wants to find some baking stuff. AS IF she knows how to use them like that. muahaha.

fking hell how come i look so fat nowadays huh. omg sedentary lifestyle.

BTW. i know you people (quite a number) are stalking me here. stop doing that.

two engaged days out of fourteen idle days

2009-05-17T00:12:00.002+08:00

sio... came back from drama nite.....

i feel that this year's play was not as deep as last year's.. but nontheless... its quite enjoyable cos its light-hearted (in my opinion at least.. about 70% of the play is light-hearted?) nothing too heavy ...

it struck me that this would be my third year attending drama night.. somehow... the number of people going with me just gets lesser and lesser... then i realised that the two gays were NEVER with us for drama night... cos they were always hanging out with the DB dudes... this year they book out late from tekong.. even dick was not with us cos he's off joy-riding somewhere i think...Zzzz

And it being the second night... less people turned out as compared to opening night i guess..

was quoting "othello'' along the corridoors just now? like LOL. two years ago during drama night i didnt even know what was going-on during othello. . . and while this play written by some HC people was going-on... it just makes me miss jc life abit... while making me wonder what will uni life bring about..

yesterday... went back to office to take luggage then went to novena... didnt take luggage there though... nice boss let me lobang in office ....

went to find yy at the learning centre... it was smaller than expected.. i think he felt old also... alot has indeed happened since three years ago.. only managed to talk for awhile cos he got lesson... crooked really looks more and more like mr toh ... the jc1 maths tutor.. LOL.

met mingfeng. he stole my food, my money, and kept on shooting me. sophia was saying he is perhaps as rich as ak now... since he is also niao... niao people are normally rich people.

sophia... i hope all will be well for her... she accompanied me to go back office to take luggage..she looked damn shocked when she saw how big and heavy the luggage was.. haha.

sian more than two assignments kena cancelled.. one is sk somemore.. am i not fated to earn money? no no no i cannot think this way... I WILL HAVE MONEY!
oh wells. go to my FB for drama nite pics.. its all there. till then... tata...

things that people take for granted, i cherish.

2009-05-14T23:23:00.002+08:00

" A quiver of longing, the heart perched...."

"The body remains, and sings louder,
a trapped bird rushing through daylight's score,
before the drapery is drawn across the cage"

-"Fly Away", BKC's Another Place

2009-05-09T00:00:00.001+08:00

LIFE IS A ROLLER-COASTER.

depressed

2009-05-08T20:41:00.003+08:00

i know i can control my state.

but i cant. not now.

screwed up two interviews in a week.

and no news from the other side. perhaps i bad-mouthed them too much.

waiting.

for my phone to ring.

for the mail to pop

i'm scared...

2009-05-05T22:56:00.002+08:00

ladies and gentelmen, im SCARED. interviews and interviews. OR nobody calling you for interviews!

like yy said.. im always scared one. YES. but i will still go out there to do my best.

do i really want it that hard?

sometimes i really envy those people who can live their lives so carefree... without any worries... education paid for... their future... well there's still inheritance maybe... but do i want that kind of life, of one without any challenges? I dunno.....

dont care already.... chiong ah!

=) loves

2009-05-03T15:28:00.006+08:00

veils and capsule

2009-04-28T22:43:00.003+08:00

Sitting in starbucks, alone, trying to comprehend economics and international trade again is just like successfully slimming down , yet going for another diet. Its a ''been there, done that'' yet when you wanted to do something you did so well (or seemed to be so) you just lost that motivation and couldnt bring yourself to do it again. Or worse still, that diet is the same, old kind, yet it still looks challenging.

Yes, she use the word ''try''... Rather than reading the notes she was hungrily slurping a cup of Green Tea cream. Which was, in her opinion, highly over-charged. but that's something she couldnt resist. $6 for a few dollops on greenish stuff... yet it satisfied her cravings for something refreshing. She convinced herself by telling her mind that green tea is a kind of health food that makes the brain grow. Yes, frugality.... especially during these horrendous times.. and especially when she has no assignments (thus explaning why she was in starbucks on a weekday afternoon).

She swept those thoughts away as she people-watched... people inside the cafe seemed so.... separated from the bustling life outside..
Mothers were sipping coffee and feeding their babies while some students were studying. University students, she supposed. will she be able to sustain the mugging-in-cafes lifestyle when she become a undergraduate herself?

She spent the rest of her time there wondering, like she always does... pondering and thinking. About her life... lives of other people in that place... savouring every moment and yet being scared and afraid of this society and its people...

Then loneliness kicked in, engulfing her like a hineous monster. And yet, underneath the layer of loneliness and fear lies a kind of solace... as if she's enjoying living alone in that bubble.

And that, is the fact that why she's such a queer and perculiar individual. Like always.

2009-04-26T18:28:00.001+08:00

my blog finally changed clothes after two years.... thanks eric!

airhead post

2009-04-26T12:58:00.008+08:00

i guess i 'll just post some pics up here. totally sian-ed. no money!!!! somemore ive wasted like ONE DAY'S PAY cos i forgot to bring their book A for east spring so cabbed from tampines to sk and to tampines again. zzz. AND i lost one of the taxi fare from woodlands ring. grrrr.

tues went back to prison for bamboo's birthday

wednesday went back to ny for production meeting (actually playing)

and fri went back to office then to vivo to meet sophia. went to this chicken place called barcelona's or something... a little bit like nando's we had in london... but the serving is super small.. but there's peri peri sauce so yay... i was wondering who copied who cos the logo is also in the shape of a chicken? had B&J... their prike hiked liao.. SIAN. bought two bags for $60 at club marc. actually only wanted the pink tote. i tot the pink tote is big, but its small lor. cannot bring to school one. and the other bag i bought on repulse. i shld start being frugal... with no steady income and stuff.

sophia tryin to peep me or somethin

hohoho its friday AGAIN

2009-04-18T00:10:00.002+08:00

omg, so fast, its FRIDAY AGAIN!!!! (ok, now its like literally saturday)

went to woodlands ring for IAG, then to st margs today for booster. i feel that... having a nice group of students who are willing to learn... is indeed easier to teach.

im really impressed by the woodlands ring ppl... i took the 4NA classes, yet they behave much better than some of the express students in other schools. these people really deserve better. their school got no lifts, and their ''special'' rooms are not very high class or nice.. their canteen like primary school canteen.. they are not allowed to bring phones to school.... DESPITE ALL THESE.. they worked around things and continue to be GREAT and AWESOME people... shirt nicely tucked in ... wear ties.. etc. REALLY IMPRESSED.

looking at them made me feel that prisoners dont appreciate what they're given... nice rooms.. can bring phones.. air-conditioned classes.. lifts... YET... they CHOOSE to abuse all these privilages, thinking that they DESERVE all those things. perhaps we should take these things away from them ... and they need to EARN it themselves.

havent get my pay yet =(

anyway... closing was damn kanchiong for me.. i thought our yamaha set was complicated at first... wait until you see the AVA set there ... omg... didnt really do hands-on cos the AVA students were there and amos was there.

i knew whatever i did wasnt my best. i will continue to improve man.. to give the students the best and to assist the trainers.

well i sort of miss teaching ... kept on thinking of my students back in prison.. but i musnt regret cos this is really a golden opportunity to learn more and experience more... although its physically taxing and the pay is low.

i was actually touched when some of the kids at wrss came and took pictures with me... and a few of them wrote that i played nice songs on the trainers feedback form... even though some of them called me ''the gal playing music'' ... i still feel thankful...

ahaha... the filming today was just weird.

OH YES I CUT MY HAIR NOW I LOOK LIKE A REAL STUPID MUSHROOM AGAIN I TOLD THE PERSON NOT TO CUT IT SHORT AND I ONLY WANT BANGS AND LAYERING BUT HE WENT TO CHOPP OFFFFFFFFF MY POOR HAIIRRRRRRRRRRRR..

why do i always dig my own grave?

2009-04-10T21:19:00.002+08:00

Why did i chose to go to a jc and not poly? why did i choose to do moe internship- and at a challenging neighbourhood school as well? why did i choose to become a TA even though i know the job would be demanding?

in short, people ask, why do i like to dig my own grave? do i even feel scared? tired? or wanting to give up?

the answer is yes. when i first started jc, i was freaking scared. the thought of a levels AFTER o levels is just, well, painful. but i knew i had to sacrifice and to be disciplined.

And for the teaching internship, i'd rather have a PREVIEW of what hell is like, so that i have the experience of handling hellish stuff than have a PREVIEW of what heaven is like. Think of this: if i can survive hell, i will most probably be able to survive any place in the future.

For TA, i can travel around and have a PREVIEW of hell, heaven, earth, WHATEVER it is.

Few weeks ago, i was asked to do an interview for prison. one of the questions i was asked is if i could change something about myself, what would it be? my answer is NOTHING. although ive been thru some really rough patch, they are all learning experiences which shaped me into who i am today. they made me into the strong person i am now.

For those who know me well, especially friends who've been with me since sec school (esp peixian etc) .. they know that my life in school has never been smooth sailing. As i am typing these words right now, something really disturbing (and major, if u want to know) is happening. but i believe i can pull thru this and emerge to become an even stronger individual.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SO, the GRAND question- how was my first week as a TA? IAG workshop at nbss . i was still understudying, (so still no pay) and i can already feel the pressure because the work load is really demanding. for someone who dont even know how to handle her handphone/laptop/camera/dvd player well to set up the sound system / mic etc.... is indeed challenging. besides that, i have to ensure that everything in the room is well-arranged and safe... the needs of the trainers are met etc...
had a try on playing the music... played some songs wrongly. nevermind.. LEARNING EXPERIENCE WAD!

i was pleasantly surprised that one of the trainers is.. danny. whew. at least there's someone familiar there...

this week is only IAG workshop... but my first assignment next week is the full-fledged IAG.. so im abit worried because i dunno what music to play for the rest of the segment...omg.

i can do it.

anyway, cant make it to px's birthday next week... upset.

2009-04-06T14:42:00.000+08:00

shadows of shattered dreams
they've followed me
they've haunted me

first camp in 2009

2009-04-03T23:12:00.004+08:00

Ever since sec 1, ive been doing school camps for at least once a year.

Although this camp came abit late, but oh well, its still A CAMP !

went in on wed evening. at first i was abit shocked. (culture shock). the campsite was very different from what i imagined. upper tier set on top of a hill (yes, can do the king lear thing)

lower tier is a shed...

cant sleep at night cos i was the last to walk into the room and i got a bed which is directly across the air con. FYI, the sleeping quarters/coaches living quarters is the equivilant of cambridge YHA i guess...

i thought it was a training for coaches. in the end we're supposed to take kids on thursday and friday... it was CHIJ OLC.... seriously, it is really like some survivor game for me

what can i say? it being a convent school and girls school, the culture was vastly different from the schools that ive attended.

the one short day with the gals felt like one week.... you have to be with them all the time throughout a camp, and not just 1 hr like when you're teaching.

Primary school kids are easy to make them laugh. . .

we went to their school to fetch them, and what i did when they board the bus was to pretend to be their tour guide and speak with american accent. this made them laugh and built rapport quickly...

when we gave out the camp booklet... i then made it clear to them that since im their tour guide and im bringing them on a journey, they must have a passport, which is their identification, so they cant loose it..

went through the success principals and rules with them. didnt do it too well cos it was impromptu. must improve on my explaination of the success principals to let them understand better...

anyway throughout the camp, i cant say that i've given my 100%, cos ive been thinking about stuff.. sometimes i was still in shock to see how different their indoors and outdoors can be. and there are some things i witnessed that made me evaluate the purpose and behaviour.

the coaches there are very young, but they look mature. (most of them think mature too) some younger ones can be as young as 16...

im glad that i have my past camp experiences as ocl/ogl to guide me thru this... the whole experience just felt so weird yet so familiar.

the girls being girls, sang taylor swift's love story approx 10000 times in just one day. on our way from school to campsite, my class already sang like 5 times already. now this irritating song is stuck in my head.

when i asked on of the coach a question, he said ''you cant change them in just 2 days'' i agree with him.... and i would like to add that although the issue is not about changing, perhaps we can ask ourselves what can we do to help IMPROVE the situation? or perhaps bring it up to let the kids be aware that the problem exists and they should do their best to change it for the better even after the camp..? i dont know, this is just a humble opinion.

and i really found the joy of helping the kids. or perhaps, subconsciously, like many other teachers/mentors/coaches,etc , i have the need to feel that ive done something good...

Two kids were fighting and one was extremely unhappy.. i got them together and did a small talk to them... even applied the success principals that they didnt learn.. such as FOR THINGS TO CHANGE, I MUST CHANGE FIRST , & THE PAST IS NOT EQUAL TO THE PRESENT... oh well, i quess primary school kids are easier to deal with... they sorta became BFF after that, and even told me they BATHE TOGETHER.

the way they do things are different from the other outdoor camp companies... im still adjusting to that. sometimes its tricky, not knowing what can i do, or what can i NOT do... but if you want me to evaluate myself, i will give myself a pass... given the fact that it was a totally unexpected camp and i wasnt the coach... just understudying...

i dont care what the others think of me liao, as long as my conscience is clear...

anyway, i left late last night... was told to stay until the next day but i felt insecure about the smu interview today..

i missed the kids. if i do camps in the future, will i be able to deal with having to part with kids after three days? i give my heart to them, so that i can help them and really care for them... so at the end of camps, it will be challenging to take my heart back...

anyway, looks like i really prefer indoors better. because i think it makes more difference to the kids, and im always a person who is excited to share knowledge with people. not that you cant do that in outdoor camp, but just that its not the focus.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

smu interview was more like a chit-chat session. why does this always happen to me?

confessions of a shopaholic with bamboo. kenny rogers seemed not so nice. whats happening to me? everything tastes the same to me recently. im ageing.

feeling floaty

2009-03-31T21:42:00.003+08:00

m feeling sorta floaty now.

today's my last official day in prison. shocked that miss siow, mr v.low, elaine etc gave me cards/gifts. three of my gals in 3BC also wrote me a card... so touched.. vidya actually waited for me until i came back from syf just to pass me the card.

went for syf with band. thankfully they got a bronze. the results were quite shocking. at first when they went up i just can feel the tension in the whole hall.... guess everyone was sending negative brain waves all around.. aura not good. its natural to see such a small band and wonder if they can really make it.

saw B.T conducting. it was simply fantastic. but due to the timing they didnt get what they want i guess....

as usual lots of supporters... even saw a few ny ppl pon-ing lesson to support their band. when amk was playing lots of memories flooded into my mind... i just drifted off like that, thinking about the 4 months i had in ny band... and all of a sudden i felt my heart really aching... cos i remembered the pain i had to bear when i left band.. and the price i had to pay... but i told myself that its worth.. that my A results are worth the pain. i have to move on and stop being trapped in the past. chioces have consequences and i have to bear the consequences.

anyway, came back and went to find the people to get my shirt. i know some people think im weird. but i dont care, i know im a nice person and a responsible person, so i'll just continue to be myself and do my best.

didnt get to go to the hall to give cal support on his talk. neh mind, i heard he did well anyway.

got a shocking call from the office telling us that we're not going nbss for understudy... will be going for outdoor camp instead. TOMORROW.

wow this is the first time in my whole life that im going for the camp in less than 24 hr notice... no need sign conscent somemore. lol. think it'll be challenging. supposed to be 3d2n... but we'll be coming back on thurs evening due to interview with smu on fri. no itenery/packing list somemore. haha abit like survivor lol.

lazy to pack bag... guess will leave it to tmr?

wish me luck people.

fugly picture

2009-03-27T22:01:00.000+08:00

interview with yours truly

http://www.nanyangjc.org/~NYConnecXions/connex/clara.html

erm, why is my picture cropped?

happysad laughingcrying

2009-03-27T20:58:00.004+08:00

student wrote this for me. i'll take this as a compliment (above)

yesterday, i bid farwell to 2n4

today, i bid farewell to 2n2 and sec1 band members.

felt quite sad. although i know some of the kids doesnt really care. I printed little notes for them and gave them chocs as a small token to show them i appreciate them. will they throw it away? or will they keep it until years later? i dont know... but all i know is that ive done my best.

some of the kids ran up to me and asked for hugs.. some of them took photos of me... quite shocked.. some of them wrote notes.. haha. although you dont expect the kids to shower you with alot of cards or gifts like in convent schools.. but its enough.. enough to make me miss them already, even though i will still be in prison till tuesday. the notes they wrote to me serves as a reflection on my teaching skills. . . im glad that some of them actually like my teaching style.. one of them even commented on my gesture and tonality. .=)

during band i played DRUMLINE for them. i dunno if they're inspired by it anot, or will they forget the show in awhile. i saw some of them being quite impressesed by the show. forgot to do anchoring with them today... on the goal-setting part. SIGH! means that i wont get to do it with them ever again! OH NO!

received the new schedule already. seems that i have very little assignments, and will be missing out on the teacher's iag in prison. i think ak is going somemore. sigh. did i make the wrong move? or the right move on the wrong time? anyway if my assignments continue to be this little i might have to do two jobs .. we shall see.

or shoud i go for some other courses? ive got so much to do.. sign-language (where to learn?) 1-star kayaking (who wants to go with me?) nlp (no $$$$) etc...

I know i will miss talking and entertaining in front of a class.

smu and nus contacted me.

time flies when you're... not teaching?

2009-03-21T01:36:00.003+08:00

much as im damn busy, i would like to take some time out to blog.

im supposed to do lots of lesson plans, and application essays. rushing all the stuff before 1st april.

Why? cos i'm leaving prison for a new job. 1st April turns out to be april fools ahaha which means my students wont get to prank me. (or rather i dont get to prank them?)

anyway, just want to reiterate the fact that i HATE, no, i DETEST irresponsible people?

identity.

2009-03-13T21:05:00.002+08:00

I dont care if anyone doesnt want to read this, because im going to use this to arrange my thoughts, and see where it goes. Alright.

We learnt that one's identity is defined by a wide spectrum of things: Namesake, facial features, clothings, family and the people around you, race, nationality, faith, religion, beliefs, sexuality, etc. This week, i discovered another factor that HELPS shape/define your identity.

YOUR RESULTS/ACHIEVEMENTS.

People will naturally judge you based on what you achieved. For example, most people will treat you differently, based on your results. A person who failed a big exam (category A) would be treated differently from a mediocre student(cat B), and the mediocre student would also be treated differently from a straight -A student(cat C).

But does it matter, really?

Of course how people treats you will affect your self-esteem. And if we are talking about identity, it will definately differ from students on the above three different categories. YES, I KNOW, there are more to your results and achievements and they will not define who you are TOTALLY. But usually, after big exams/graduations (im not sure about job promotion cos im not there yet), it is where some people will get their DEFINING MOMENT. choices would have to be made after such events, and people's perception/attitude towards you MIGHT in turn, affect your choices. AND, it is usually such events that might MAKE or BREAK a person.

However, there will be a distinction between how the others see you and HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF too. I think IDENTITY is quite a complicated and sometimes abstract thing. how people perceive you might not be who you think you are. It's sort of like you have many layers.
The way people look at you is part of your identity, whether you like it or not, because that it how they RECOGNISE you.

Another part of your identity is of course, how you see yourself. And for most of us, the conflicting part is where how people perceive you does not match with your own perception about yourself. that is where you get confused/pissed off/lost/ angry..etc.

What i have discovered this week is that you really have to be VERY STRONG inside to stop yourself from being loss. if you are the one who falls under the Cat A type, you have to tell yourself that its okay, and you can do whatever it takes to prove it to the others that you can do well one day. If you are the cat C type, and just as well you LOVE ATTENTION, and become damn happy one everyone praises you, then good luck because in my opinion, complacency kills. i'm not saying that one shouldnt be happy, but do take note of where the praises are coming from.

I have a big question here: does it matter if one is in Cat A or Cat C? As long as you work hard and give your 100%, no matter what is the outcome and which category you falls onto, shouldnt you be the SAME PERSON? Because you are still an individual full of determination and resilience, no matter what.

Clara will still be clara no matter what. I hate people who come and talk to me and suddenly be nice to me because they found out about my results. True, results can be your stepping stone or springboard to somewhere important, but what matters more is the person inside you.
And to those people whom i know will be there for me no matter what, because they know i did my best, and will love me even if i didnt do well, thank-you for that. I appreciate all of you. =)

SO who defines you? who can see the REAL YOU? perhaps not even yourself. I dont know about anybody else, but i daresay that i dont understand myself 100%, at least at this stage of my life.
Listen to this song, perhaps they're talking about a higher being, i dunno.

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alot of things occured this week. some are like, whoa mind-blowing, but im still trying to figure it out and comprehend.

WHAT A hell of a week.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-08T20:46:00.005+08:00

this week is like omg~!

ok nothing much happened on monday except i received texts that on friday that A level results would be out. I was like screaming and couldnt sleep even more.

on tuesday nothing much happened too. except i went to compass with cal and he recommended this super foul vit C tablet. I think my tuesdays are getting more and more boring!

on wenesday the people depicted in the photo below came and gave me a cake! =) thanks people!

the ak people were here again. so i had nothing to teach. their training was until 6pm, so i rushed to tanjong pagar for training with eunice and joan. First time going like that, and i didnt even heard about the trainer before. turned out to be quite good! met nice people again =) the people there are very nice! i like the idea of ''friends helping friends to succeed"

on thurs cal and the teachers surprised me by giving me a cake and card. SO TOUCHED LAH! teachers writing on the card and singing birthday song FOR ME. mr tan tm also gave me a card and miss siow gave me a gift. OMG SO PAI SEH LAH! they are my teachers leh! so touched. really appreciate their efforts.

stayed with the kids for training until six.

FRIDAY WAS WTH.

By wednesday i wasnt very nervous, because while i was listening to the trainers training, i had this EPIPHANY suddenly

Because EVENT + RESPONSE = OUTCOME

and the results are already there, there's no use for me to be nervous. People everywhere were telling me ''good luck/all the best for ur results" but i think thats not the way we should condition ourselves. (even though i know they have good intentions). Some people calm themselves down by telling themselves "i will definately get good results, dont worry".

I think its ok to do so BEFORE an exam. but not before results. because wads been done is, DONE! so from last wednesday, i told myself '' NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I'LL PULL THROUGH".

because since we cant change the event, its how we react to it that matters. =)

having said this, for those whoose results are below ur expectations, dont give up ya?

anyway, on friday, i really cant believe it. the gals around me were the one who spotted me name. omg! i had to check my name again and again just to be sure! At home i checked it for like 1000 times already!

everyone did well, those 0731 kukubirds! smart asses lah those people!

omg i smacked morbid's moob must write this damn small

i am having rashes all over now. i dont think its the red wine i drank (in which i had headache immediately and went home to puke i had reds alot of times before but it wasnt like that!!!!!)

went to smu open house in which we only attended the admission talk. zzz had ramen AGAIN. im going to turn into noodle soon.

this makes me think of the cross section of the ramen noodle jay and i were laughing about. zz.

should go before i digress any further.

ANYWAY THANKS FOR THE WELL WISHES PEOPLE I LOVE ALL OF U SO MUCH. AND ALL YOUR CRAZY GIFTS OMG I AM SO GOING TO USE ALL OF THEM (PERHAPS TOGETHER LOL AND I AM SO GOING TO BRING THE ROBOT HAND TO CLASS AND USE IT ON MY KIDS.

THIS IS THE CROSSROAD> WHERE TO??????? im asking this question over and over again. its always like that, people trying to deflect ur courses, your paths. dont worry, we're as strong and sturdy as steel. we can do it!

can my eyelid stop twitching

2009-03-01T13:42:00.003+08:00

omg, i had mny sleepless nights.

have u heard? 6th march. like, its my cousin's wedding how am i supposed to face my whole clan.

this week, i did alot of scoldings, and i dont like it.
the NIE teachers are here. i feel weird. ive been in prison since 2003 and i look like an old bird. but after awhile (few days) they got suspicious and asked about my age and qualification and i have to tell. damn. but on the first day one teacher already told them that i was from prison already, and some declared ''she was my student!"

went out with jay and waiwan yesterday. like, WOW. three out of how many of the TIP group.>?!

but we pro, talked from 1pm++ to 7pm. teachers talk alot u know.

omg, till next week!!!

And six weeks flew past...

2009-02-21T22:23:00.003+08:00

This week marks the end of my six-week TIP experience. Although im extending for the moment, while waiting for my dreaded results, i find myself looking back and reflecting about what has been done.

At this point of time, some of the interns would have already moved on and picked up/ being offered some other internships, while the others would sign on as relief teachers. For me? i'll still be an intern. i feel like i couldnt move on without my results... (another reason being there's not enough funds to pay me for relief)

During this six weeks, i picked up a new identity. It felt weird when i was introduced as ''miss ang'' and not clara anymore. when the new teachers asked for my name, i would offer ''Clara" ... until they prompted, "and the students call you....?" I remember distinctively on the 4th week when Dan asked me to introduce myself to the class i said "miss ang" (that is, until he say "i mean, your full name"). Yes, by the 4th week im aware of my new identity, but it just doesnt roll off my toungue.

On the fifth week yy asked "How do you feel when your friends call you miss ang" I told him i feel weird.

Some of the sec 5s still call me Clara. Today, one of them said "clara! do you mind me calling you clara?" OF COURSE i told him to go ahead.

These days, i found myself reading up on teaching strategies, nlp, brain-based learning.

I found myself fretting about lesson, not being able to captivate them, not being able to ignite their passion for learning.

I found myself liking marking (for approx. 6 seconds) then hating it.

I found myself asking why are they not learning. Why is the learning environment like that, and where has the previous rich culture disappeared to.

I found myself coming back home in the evening, feeling tired. Feeling helpless.

Conseccutively for three weeks, i sat through the trainings every tuesday, thinking how fast time passes us by.

And on some days, i felt so powerful, so excited, anticipating what is there to come. But the next day, there will be deterrence, and some of my plans would go down the drain. I have to tell myself, "oh well you cant have everything working for you, those are NOT your classes, you are merely a 19 year-old intern." And somewhere, in a little corner, i can hear a voice saying that those are all my students, my kids, and i care for them. i should do whatever it takes.

No matter how small/insignificant other people think the TIP scheme is , i tell myself to be grateful for the experiece. Yes, even when i lost my voice, or found out that i received my first pay after 5 weeks of work and its $713 worth of allowance.

On week 6, there was my assessment. A whole lot of people came and my kids were shocked. (i was too). The kids were kind enough to keep real quiet and follw me through my lesson (or so they say, i thought they were scared and too shocked to make noise).

On week 6 i accepted my new first name, "cher" and responded to it without having to think.

on week 6 i was told im leaving a class, and people would be hoarding the desks. (I complained and felt like a bitch)

6 weeks, without anyone of my own age. Just the younger people and the older ones. I felt young and old at the same time, i felt humour-less.

20th feb, last official day of TIP, i had lesson in the learning hub. when the students left i sat in the room, taking in the smell and wondering, "three years ago when i was in IAG, i would NEVER imagine myself standing up here myself, teaching."

Little people know about my experience. They wouldnt be interested.
i shant bore all of them. I guess that's something to keep in my little heart.

And now at the end of week six i felt abit scared. This is the crossroad. WHERE TO? thou shalt stay for awhile and see.

Until the great revealation.

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Went to pasir ris sec for band exchange. havent been to one for awhile. met han willy dick eunice weilin at TM. nice to hang around with them. nice to laugh. nice to witness their weird habit again. weilin and her OCD. eunice with her contagious laughter. willy with his retarded reaction. Han with his 'TSK". Dick with his (balded) dirty words.

Another long.... weeek

2009-02-14T10:13:00.003+08:00

hello peixian joan dar and zzeeenn

i chionged lesson from 830 am to 5pm yesterday, with only less than one hour break, in which i ate like, one sandwich.

the classes were the 2NA ones, so i shouted and shouted until now i feel damn shagged.
ive never felt like this before! i think all my qi has been used up!!!!!! i didnt even feel like this when i was doing camps or orientations!

tuesday i saw crooked! first time saw him in his work clothes. sat with him during sec 2 training and he was there to tell me the methods which the trainer was using. i felt better cos i came into realisation that its not ME- the kids behave like that in front of other teachers (and even the trainer) also! muahaha!

i had some really GOOD lessons and some really BAD ones.

some of the students are really rude. zzz. neh mind, I CAN DO IT!

i even had one-to-one consultation for geog. YAY!

next week is my assessment already!!! damn fast.

thinking of mnemonics for music theory. my music theory rusty liao, so i wasnt a really good teacher yesterday. AND the students are really confused. so i shall change the way i teach and aler the way they learn!

HUAT AH! so much work still havent do

WHAT AN ENRICHING WEEK!

2009-02-06T21:05:00.005+08:00

THIS WEEK IS POWER-PACKED!

LOOKS LIKE IVE LOST ALL MY READERS! SO LET ME STUN YOU WITH THIS!

okay, lets start off with tuesday, like i said, tuesdays are always busy! since after A's.

finished up the poem with the sec twos, then started my FRIST GEOG LESSON.

it was way BELOW my expectations, but its ok cos its a learning experience.

after the sec 3 geog lessons i was felt very heaty so i went down to grab a juice. THEN. i saw ak people again. after marking some stuff i went to look at one class. Having to miss the session on my first week due to lunch with crooked, i was determined to sit thru. Then i decided to walk to different classes (which was a good choice) because guess who i saw when i walked to the second class?

yes!

(although in this picture i look damn gross...) (to compare gross-ness, look at april 2006 entry)

so shocking. i sat thru the WHOLE thing, observing the way he train. but i dont know if i was disrupting the training anot. When i first opened the door he was like "hi!" *then continued talking for 2 sec because he tot i was another teacher*

then he turned again and was like "eh why are u here!!"

ive learnt alot .. like ALOT . from dan. im glad he's willing to share, givng me frank opinions.

ON WEDNESDAY i printed this out. ive been wanting to print this for quite a long time, procrastination really kills!

i went for a jog. 4 rounds ++ (which is about 2.4km) around prison. i nearly choked to death cos of the construction. but no choice! have to run there!

on thursday, guess who i met?

yes, after three years!

i was committed to learn more, and this was the perfect opportunity to ask questions! so despite it being a thursday night and having to work the next day, i went.

what both trainers told me is this : Really CARE for the students, and they can FEEL it.

i guess after one month of being stressed out in prison, i kinda forgotten how important this is, cos some people are just concerned about RESULTS and personal performance. i know there will always be a boss giving you pressure, but CARING, from the BOTTOM of your heart, is really important.

oh ya, that sarah huh, havent met her since prom in sec 4! tell her meet dont want, see her beloved adam then she immediately say yes!

p.s adam remember the 4b overdrive/4 Aliens ppl, so dont worry!

till then , see ya!